Reign on Prime – 1×12: Royal Blood

Clarissa1x12This episode was all go, wasn’t it? From kidnapping, murder, and suicide fake outs (not necessarily in that order) to marriage proposals and gambling and breaking the rules of feminism (once again, not necessarily in that order).

Clarissa hanging out in Catherine’s room, looking through her mother’s jewellery box and finding locks of her half-brothers’ hair- before her snooping is rudely interrupted by servants looking to do the nasty in the Queen’s rooms. You already know that Clarissa, Peeping Tina Extraordinaire, is poised to do something to make you go ‘what the actual’. She doesn’t disappoint. Que Mary’s furrowed brow as she tells Bash she’s worried about hearing from the Vatican and Bash’s half-bros, Charles and Henry. She thinks it’d be a good idea to take them to the Frost Fair, but some peasants attack the carriage and the words ‘dirty whore’ are thrown about. Rude.

Mary and the princes make it back okay but she and Bash have some disagreements, mostly with how to better take care of the young princes after the attempt on their lives. You can see both their points and also see the cons of both their ideas. Of course neither of them see Clarissa coming, do they?

Although Mary wants to integrate Clarissa into society. She even makes her a creepy phantom of the opera type mask that doesn’t help Clarissa at all. When Mary relays this to Catherine Catherine’s harsh stance on this is heartbreaking. She wants nothing to do with the daughter she gave up. Meanwhile Clarissa sits in the tunnels, where Olivia must be- surely, watching her half-brothers play through the walls. And for some reason I’m reminded of that Supernatural episode ‘Family Remains’.

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Lola comes to a house of abandon in Paris, no less, to pay her brother’s debt and get him out. While there she’s grossed out by the owner, who wants to do the ‘horizontal no pants dance’ with her. To be honest when she walked into the place I thought she was there to find Francis. Funny that, because Francis is there and is masquerading as a wealthy viscount who conveniently, after a fake out loss, wins his wager (I didn’t know the game but everyone clapped so we knew that Francis won) against the owner saving Lola from an unpleasant night ahead. So they get drunk together instead and then get freaky with each other? “We’re a pathetic pair, aren’t we?” Teenagers get with each others significant others and exes all the time, even if it’s against the Bro Code and/or the Rules of Feminism or something.

Bash being adorable and bringing the ‘Frost fair’ to his brothers. But they make the mistake of leaving the kids under Kenna and Greer’s watch and they seemingly go missing. There’s a creepy guy off to the side and everything to pull the best fake kidnapping since Bash was locked up by the Italians who stormed the castle that one time. Bash pulls Mary aside and assures her that the whole thing is a ruse set up to get the boys safely out and on the road, which proves to be the worst idea because Clarissa. Suddenly the princes are kidnapped for real, by their facially disfigured half-sister who’s mentally unstable. Unstable enough to tell the boys to put rocks in their pockets and go for a swim with her while it’s still technically winter. They’re eventually found by Catherine and Mary who’ve had to work together on this one despite the whole ‘you tried to kill me’ issue.

Catherine’s Mary’s main antagonist, but she’s not the ‘bad guy’ she’s a complicated character. She’s in the clear, once Nozza helps her fake a suicide to get out of jail but upon hearing about her sons’ kidnapping she refuses to listen to any reason and with all the stealth of the ninja in the corner of your room watching you without your knowledge she sneaks into Mary’s room because nothing’s more important to her than her sons. Too bad that isn’t extended to Clarissa who’s knocked over the head by Mary as she holds the prince who’s not only her half-brother but was also the only one to play with her at the castle.

I suppose it takes a betrayal to highlight the other betrayals.

Honourable Mentions:

- “Oh good. More sanctimonious talk from my self-appointed redeemer.”

- Greer and Kenna had one job.

- Mary proposed to Bash but then he tells her that’s not how it’s done. Bro, you’re a bastard about to be legitimized- don’t go telling people how things shouldn’t or should be done. Also, them eyes.

- I do believe we have a Wedding to attend next week, but who pray-tell is the groom?

Reign on Prime - 1×09: For King and Country

Hello Prime Underclass, I know last week there was an encore screening of the Reign pilot, on Prime, which threw a lot of you off. If you needed a quick refresher of the last new episode to air on Prime mosey on over to: ‘Fated’ -1×08.
‘For King and Country’ picks up right where we last left off, with Mary and Bash running away- incidentally in the same direction- because Queen Cat and the soothsayer Nozzy (good name for a band I BAGS’D IT) had finally come clean about why Catherine’s been trying to sabotage Mary’s union with Francis. The guards are hot in pursuit and Mary and Bash have no choice but to-

-jump off of a cliff together. They end up at a tavern wet and cold and tired and Bash tries not to be a peeping tom but kind of fails and just when things look like they’re going in my 14-year-old sister’s OTP’s favour the guards turn up and drag the two back to the castle.

The storylines are starting to get a bit complicated but hey that’s life on the upper east side of the French court when King Henry can only see dollar signs (that’s not right- bags of gold? A golden throne?) when he looks at Mary and so agrees to go along with Mary’s demands that he legitimate Bash. In fact he gets so behind it, he stops an attempt on Bash and Mary’s lives by his lovely wife and decides he’s off to Italy to see the Pope about a bastard.

As per usual Megan Follow’s Catherine de’ Medici is a driving force of the episode’s villain-ry while claiming maternal instinct. However there’s something about the way Follow’s eyes can appear severe without much effort that strikes a genuine fear in me for Mary’s safety. Adelaide Kane does well in her portrayal of a young Queen scrambling to save her love from a prophecy that is way off, and Bash- reputation be damned! Even if Bash is not quite a friend or love (yet). I do feel for Bash who gets thrown in jail for being in the wrong (right) place, at the wrong (so so right) time to catch Mary on her way out and then help her run away.

That confrontation between Bash and a bitter Francis, I like bitter Francis, was well-played. Bash doesn’t want the crown despite the fact that he may want the girl. Francis has no idea what’s going on, even after he finds out about the ‘prophecy’ and tries to convince Mary about how much of a poppycock the entire thing is.

Speaking of poppycock premonitions, Nozzy didn’t see himself getting a stab and gap from Clarissa did he? But oh Clarissa you really should learn to use your raspy-voiced words!

Honourable Mentions:

- Bash watch! Them eyes.

- Someone give Francis a hug! Toby Regbo also does well when given the chance to show Francis having more than three emotions. ‘Long may you reign!’ Damn, son. Right to the feels. Don’t worry, history should serve you just fine…well.
- Until next time LONG MAY YOU REIGN!

Reign on Prime - 1×06: Chosen

You know when you do something and it turns around to bite you in the- what what now? Yeah, so does Sebastian. He screwed the pooch on the Pagan front, messing with a Pagan’s human sacrifice is like messing with a Pagan’s emotions. He knows this, because he’s now dreaming about his encounter with the Pagan boy who hurled himself off the balcony after telling him he done messed up. Bash’s interference has consequences, consequences that see Mary waking up to a damn stag’s head strung up over her bed as blood drips down from it onto her hand. The Pagans seem to be good at two things, human sacrifices and ultimatums. And the Pagans gave Bash an ultimatum, either he chooses someone to sacrifice to make up for the sacrifice he botched up by interfering in, or they choose someone for him. Bash tells them to stick where the sun don’t shine and they chose for him.

Thanks Bash.

Of course this throws the castle into a kerfuffle as they have to figure out how someone managed to drug Mary (so she wouldn’t wake up while someone was redecorating her room) and get the stag head hung up over her bed. Obviously an inside job. So Mary asks all the servants, to no avail- even Catherine steps in to play bad cop to Mary’s good.

But don’t let that fool anyone, because Queen Catherine is still Team Olivia, because ‘Mary will be Francis’ undoing’ according to her soothsayer.

And guess who’s back? Back again? Diane’s back… and Kenna’s pissed. The King comes back from Paris and brings with him Bash’s mum, you know the mistress he’s gone back to time and time again. Granted after Kenna bitches enough he pulls out the tiles, which Kenna’s friends pointed out had Diane and the King’s initials entwined, but he winds up back in Diane’s arms complaining to her about Kenna’s irritating behaviour. Like, really bro? No one told you to be creepy and hit that.

Meanwhile, Bash finds a thief to sacrifice and strings him up by his ankles in the woods. However his conscience stops him, and he uses the thief as a decoy so he can sacrifice a pagan in the poor thief’s place. Unfortunately, the thief makes the mistake of saying that he knew who Sebastian (the king’s bastard) was and Bash had no choice but to push the guy off a cliff. He gets back to the castle in time to find Mary and Francis having it out over well over Francis’ seeing Mary and Bash kiss. And Francis uses the ‘we can have an open relationship and I don’t care who you see… as long as it isn’t my brother’. Really? Really man?

So Bash now realises that perhaps his place at court isn’t that stable after all and tells his mother that Francis threatened him today over Mary. Well, my boy, your mother did tell you you’d burn for a girl who will never be yours. And Francis runs right into the arms of Olivia- oh the teenaged melodrama.
Long may it Reign.
Honourable Mentions:
- Did you guys like the bonfire with a side of Pagan servants?
- I hope you’ve stopped trying to marry history with the show.
- Join us next week on Prime for a spot of Reign. Things get pretty crazy when the castle is taken over by a nobleman with a vendetta.
- If you need any refreshers click here to read all of our past ‘Reign on Prime‘ reviews.

Reign on Prime - 1×05: A Chill in the Air

If you’ve been wondering, Prime Underclass, where Reign has been for the past few weeks wonder no more!

It comes back on the 16th of January (THIS WEEK!) when it will return to its usual slot with episode 6 ‘Chosen’. In the mean time let’s talk about the events of the last episode that aired on Prime, episode 5: ‘A Chill in the Air’. I do apologise that this is late, but at least I’m here with good news and hopefully some interesting banter for you!

So basically Olivia is Regina George and she’s about to take Aaron back. And so Mary has to resort to fighting things the way girls do in girl world. It’s a bit hard when Francis’ mum (as informed by some prophecy) is totally backing Regina.

‘A Chill in the Air’ is that episode, the one written to appeal to the non-canon shippers waiting in the wings for Francis to slip up and for Bash to swoop in and- what? Father a bastard? Ruin the already tentative alliance between Scotland and France? Or just make her feel better when Francis is being a bit of a douche. Let’s go with that last one.

Now plot-wise we’ve got a bit going on, mostly scheming on Catherine’s part to get Mary usurped by Francis’ former lover- a french blonde- in Francis’ affections and hopefully knocked up. Granted this is starting to get formulaic, at this point you can bet that in each episode we’ll have Catherine scheming to get Mary away from Francis, Francis feeling conflicted feelings and Mary left wondering why she loves someone so weak. Only this time Mary sees through it. She figures out the Queen’s scheme and decides to play the b at her own game. But not before pointing out how hard it is out there for a female- double standards and whatnot.

The episode had started grim, what with Olivia’s company being attacked and her maid’s throat being slashed like that but it revisits the darkness of the woods with a trip to the woods where Bash messes up a pagan sacrifice- *Kevin Hart voice* like, why would you touch it, if you don’t even know what it is. No, no- WHY WOULD YOU MESS WITH IT, IF YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS!
When Bash used the language of the Pagans to talk smack that time he and Francis were in the woods, making those other Pagans back down, I get the feeling that Bash does know what it is.
I get the feeling he’s going to regret this decision.

Honourable Mentions:
- Francis is turning Mary to drink with his uselessness.
- My teenaged sister’s response: Incomprehensible screaming.
- Uh oh.

- Greer and Leith are adorbs but that isn’t going to end well. Because he was a baker boy she said see you later boy, he wasn’t good enough for her. (Is what I foresee in their future, oh look at me being Nostrodamus.)
- Well, tune in to Prime this Thursday to see how this shirt storm pans out.

Reign on Prime - 1×04: Hearts and Minds

‘Hearts and Minds’ the episode where we discover the type of man Tomas is, and the show tries to ship Bash and Lola (much to my sister’s chagrin) while Mary signs her name to the story of a whore.

Here’s the thing, Prime Underclass New Zealand, with any other show I would have kicked it to the curb by now with its genre identity crisis and, and freakin’ Lola’s costume to the Masque…Clarissa had a better costume. But I’ve stuck with Reign because there’s something completely and utterly fun about the way it throws historical accuracy to the wind and embraces the sensational world of fiction. The world where Francis’ bastard brother with his blue steel peepers steals whatever scene he’s in and there’s a ghost in the walls who goes by the name of Clarissa, which I believe is pronounced Clawr-issa, no? I just hope the CW chooses to keep this gem of a hot mess.

But onto the episode that aired last night on Prime. Mary’s Uncle Claude once again with the obvious statements, ‘Mary, you gotta marry Tomas for the good of Scotland! Otherwise Scotland’s fucked.’ But Mary’s reservations, which is 40% love for Francis, 20% cbf leaving France, 15% need for Henry to consent to her breaking off the engagement with his son, 10% heebie jeebies vibes that Tomas has started to give off and 15% Clarissa-made, stops her from just hopping on a boat to Portugal shouting ‘orale holmes!’

But she’s starting to pack and shit, because it’s not like France is helping defend Scotland from the British bullies. All she has to do is get Henry’s approval, which comes at a cost. They need to prove that Simon (remember that guy who had his sidechick pretend Mary’s dress was poisoned to freak Mary out because British Bully tactics and all that) was the one who bashed Bash, sorry I had to, because a lady of the night heard him banging on about it at a tavern and had come forward with the information. And what better way to legitimise something by having a royal queen who wasn’t there sign her name vouching for verity of the statement? Imagine trying to pull that one nowadays. ‘Oh no officer, I wasn’t there- nor do I have any evidence but the fact that I’m vouching for her makes the story true.’

It’s bad enough that Bash is hurt and so can’t get away from a girl who apparently nursed two of her brothers to death and whose boyfriend was almost executed before being sacrificed by the French hillbilly pagans, but Mary’s caught in a bad engagement as she discovers just what kinda guy Tomas really is when his spies see her and Francis get hot and heavy in the gardens.

Nothing like being engaged to someone else to make that guy you’ve been chasing realise what he’s about to miss out on. However it doesn’t bode well, as we know, because Tomas is like Lord Varys (the Spider) it seems and has spies everywhere. Not liking the fact that the Queen he’s tricked into marrying him is totally into Francis in the kind of way she’s not into him Tomas has ‘words’ with her. And as Tomas starts abusing the whipping boy (someone punished for the misbehaviour of another, which would have been terribly hard for anyone who was the whipping boy for a psychopath) in front of her and threatening to call back the Portugese ships off to Scotland’s aid back, Mary realises that Tomas is a diiiiiiiiiiiick.

The conclusion which Bash (who’s slowly getting better YAY) and Francis also come to when Francis comes to visit him and Tomas shows up all ‘yo stay away from my property’ in reference to Mary. There is a definite testosterone charge in the room which fuels Francis right up and he tries to jab Tomas in the face but Bash, at a detriment to himself, pulls Francis back before he lands a punch. Tomas walks off like ‘fuck yeah’, while Francis tends to his brother who’s now not as well as he was when he visited him. Thanks a lot Francis.

One of Mary’s ladies, the blonde one whose name I can’t remember, is also present when Tomas is smacking the shit out of his servant while he lists off the things he now owns- which includes Mary and her country. She pleads with Mary not to marry him, but Mary’s ready to sacrifice her happiness for the good of Scotland, she does however tell her ladies that they don’t have to go with her…it’s not like they do shit for her anyway.

Especially Kenna who’s come to the conclusion that she does not want to go to Portugal like fuck that so she seeks out the king and tells him that she’s ready to do that thing he wants to do with her…IF he kicks Bash’s mum, Diane, to the side and makes her his new mistress.

Meanwhile Simon’s being framed for jumping Bash and being an English spy and while he’s got major bitchface he’s not responsible for this one thing- and Clarissa who just seems to know everything leaves clues for Mary. Francis figures it out too, along with Bash and Lola, Tomas wants to be legitimised and he can he if he weds a Queen- and you know his last wife died ‘mysteriously’…with the way he kept hitting Miquel I don’t think it’s much of a mystery. So they need to get to the heart of the fabrication of Simon’s guilt.

As Mary finds the prostitute who said she saw Simon talking all that smack at the pub, who eventually confesses that she lied because she was threatened, Bash and Francis find Tomas who’s about to silence Miquel forevs. After a few clashings of steel Tomas is killed and they make it back to the castle in time to save Simon’s life who then gets some money for his troubles and a new job- envoy to Portugal anyone? I like how they then cover up Tomas’ actual death with a story about him leaping to Francis’ aid and being killed by a stag while hunting. Also, Francis’ hand shaking after he killed Tomas and Bash telling him if he wasn’t shaken up by it he would be a monster so it’s all good.

I feel Simon’s line “the matter [of Tomas] will be forgotten by all of us. And history too, no doubt,” would have been better delivered with a breaking of the fourth wall and a wink at the camera.

He’s lucky that Kenna chose that moment to use her vagine powers to stay his execution a few minutes. Henry halts the executioner’s blow to have a conversation with her and finally gives in to her earlier demand like he’s keen if she is. Uh, congrats? Shall we take bets on how long before Henry gets bored with her? Also, there’s still that ‘yuck’ factor because he’s got a son that’s her age like gross.

You know what relationship isn’t gross? Mary’s relationship with Clarissa, it’s super healthy, for Clarissa. It’s obvious she needs a little socialisation, because what normal person does this?

‘Soon.’

I wouldn’t say that final scene ruined Mary’s super HBIC moment from earlier when she puts her super modern flats-clad foot down when Henry’s all like ‘business as usual?’ She takes charge of the situation and snaps her fingers like ‘no, bitch- I’m taking the wheel on these engagement negotiations, oh and first order of business? France’s aid to Scotland’. BOOM.

No, that final scene just shows that Mary and Clarissa’s relationship has progressed to sleepovers, Mary just doesn’t know it yet.

Honourable Mentions:

- Mary: “Half of Europe thinks that you are sickly and weak and stunted.” Bahahahaha, imagine that! Oh right, yeah he died of an earache.

- Nostradamus asks Catherine in the beginning who designed the target being used for Francis and Tomas’ archery/pissing contest. I wouldn’t exactly call a sack for a head a ‘design’ but whatever floats your boat I suppose. Catherine is aware of a ‘ghost story about a girl who frightens the maids’ away- I’m just like, that’s fucking rude because Clarissa is really nice if you get to know her, just ask Mary.

- “Every time I look at her I feel better, every time I look at you I feel worse.” Bash, that’s rude. Nostradamus was only trying to help you! And, according to my sister, keep Lola the desperado away from you.

- Queen Catherine doesn’t want Mary to be unhappy, she just doesn’t want Mary to be here. Don’t get it twisted.

Reign on Prime - 1×02: Snakes in the Garden

So who caught last week’s second episode of Reign on Prime? Anyone? Well, if you did and have come to talk to someone else who has, you’ve come to the right place. We might be the only two in New Zealand watching- so I’m sorry this is late.

Right where were we? Mary’s ladies in waiting are cray, the girl in the wall is cray and basically everyone in and around the French court are super-cray but hey- I still kinda like it. In this episode we have a slightly menacing English diplomat, more attempts (?) on Mary’s life/alliance with France, frisky behaviour and scary shit in the woods and walls.

A couple of things are cleared up in the episode, like who tried to poison Mary while she was at the convent and the name of Mary’s super friendly, super freaky, sack-headed helper in the wall. With a bit of exposition in the form of Charles (one of Henry’s younger sons) speaking to the shadows, we’re told the girl in the wall’s name is Clarissa. Hi Clarissa.

The attempted assassination of Mary last week was, as insinuated by the English diplomat Simon, (History fangirl squee at the mention of Good Queen Bess) courtesy of the English court. Trying to scare Mary back to Scotland, as they know her betrothal/alliance to Franc[e]is is tenuous at best. See what I did there? However, as we know, these aren’t the only attempts on Mary, bad queen Catherine (last episode) tried to have the fiance, Colin, of one of the ladies in waiting (Lola) drug and rape Mary in the hopes of having Mary’s betrothal nullified- well someone set him free.

Although, lord knows how free one is when the only place they can run is into the woods, the place where ya can’t go for fun times because pagans and possibly monsters? Reign could totally throw monsters into the mix, couldn’t they? Colin’s found himself in the woods and just like when Sebastian, the king’s bastard and according to my sister the better match for Mary despite never having existed, went into the woods in search of Mary’s dog, he once again finds himself in the woods looking for her subject (and would-be rapist).

Bash finds Colin’s body strung up over white petals, Francis finds him as he’s about to cut the sod down until they hear people in the woods around them. Francis is all like ‘dude it’s the guards, it’s cool man’ but Bash knows what’s up. He calls out “We take what’s ours, not yours. Even dead men answer to the king.” In another language, and cuts his hand letting it bleed onto the white petals too. Francis, like us, is like ‘what the hell is going on here bro?’ But before he can ask any questions Bash tells Francis the people are leaving and they’ve got to get Colin’s body back to the castle.

On the shipping front, Francis and Mary decide to start as friends, after he berates his father the king about their treatment of Mary thus far. But yo Bash not only got her dog back last week, but the body of her subject- like wow what a cool guy. You know who aren’t cool people? The King and Queen, the king because he’s uber gross and creepy and Kenna somehow thinks it’s hot and the Queen because she keeps trying to do bad things to Mary. At least Queen Catherine’s doing it because she’s afraid Mary’s vagina will kill Francis, or something to that effect because Nostradamus tells her it will. The King’s just trynna get his ins with Mary’s lady in waiting- who’s like one hundred times his junior. Bro, you nasty.

In the end Francis tells his mum that if she keeps trynna hurt his boo he’s gonna bounce.

Honourable Mentions:

- X Marks the spot, but the spot for what, Clarissa? The spot…for what?

- Clarissa’s a bit rude, Mary was playing a game with her and half-way through it she rolls them beads back and gaps. Like I would be pissed if during a game of indoor netball the other team just up and left.

- That chick that was ‘trying on’ Mary’s dress and pretends it’s poisoned, as part of England’s Operation Mary Mindfuck, really sold it with the poison. Not. I couldn’t help but recall them busty blondes in your run of the mill slasher film with their over-acting.

- I’m going to be honest, I had more fun writing the second half of the review. Join me next week, Prime Underclass, for episode 1×03: ‘Kissed’. Ooooh, saucy.

Reign Premiere on Prime: 1×01 Pilot

And while I was furiously writing, trying to make up for lost time (for NaNoWriMo) guess what started on Prime TV in New Zealand? Reign. The historically inaccurate (in almost everything) historical drama about teenage Mary, Queen of Scots played by Adelaide Kane (Teen Wolf). Did you catch the CW’s new period drama Reign on Prime TV? At what point did you reach for a history book or, more realistically, your nearest device to check the Mary, Queen of Scots Wikipedia page?

I fear you’ll need to stop attempting to find accuracy in this ‘historical drama’ about Mary Stuart because you’ll be disappointed if you do. From the very beginning, when we’re swept into a man’s (whom we later discover is soothsayer Nostradamus) eerie dream before a Lumineers track (‘Scotland’) starts playing and we’re taken to a convent where Mary is staying (in secret, well not secret enough seeing as there’s an assassination attempt on her), we should know that the show we’ve tuned in to isn’t going to exactly be high-caliber viewing.

It appeals to this generation’s ‘upper east siders’, who I imagine will call themselves Royals. I’m not kidding, love triangles, social-climbing, getting krunk, attractive people hooking up and rich folk; it’s basically Gossip Girl set in 1557 with Mary, Queen of Scots, as a nicer, but still sassy, Queen B. Throw in some couture dresses, a hipster/folky soundtrack and some eye-candy in the form of Francis (Toby Regbo) the future King of France she’s known as a child and his half (bastard-born) brother, Sebastian (Torrance Combs) who you won’t find in any history books, and you’ve got a hit with the youngins’.

I’m talking crap but I’ll tune in next week, don’t ask me why. Maybe I want to see who the freaky chick with the sack on her head is. However I just stopped by to see what you guys think- and if you’re going to stick around for the rest of the season.

I better get back to failing NaNoWriMo.

Honourable Mentions:

- Supernatural undertones, because why can’t there be a prophecy?

- Francis has floppy blond hair but Sebastian has them piercing eyes, let the shipping wars commence!

- The pilot episode was filmed in Ireland, I could watch for on-location shooting all day err’ day. However I think the rest of the show will be filmed in…Toronto? That’s the CW’s go-to filming location, isn’t it?