Category Archives: Blogging

We blog sometimes- or sometimes things don’t fit in a category so we’ll call it blogging. Genius.

5 Steps To Having an Awesome #NZSecretSanta 2014 Experience!

#NZ Secret Santa

It’s that time of the year the time when the Twitter folk of New Zealand get their Twitter sleuthing hats on and step up their gift-giving game to partake in ‘NZ Secret Santa’. NZ Secret Santa was started by one @websam in 2010, who wanted to focus only on growing pumpkins and let the cool guys over at NZ Post take the reins in 2012. Since then it’s become quite the organised event with a Santa Storehouse so that you don’t have give out your address willynilly, and an epic elf service that stores the gifts, and only sends out gifts to those Secret Santas who have actually sent a gift! You’ve got to give to receive! And if you don’t give, you still give because the gift that was meant for you goes to Christchurch City Mission. Great huh? Also, NZ Post donates $1500 if there are 1500 participants, $5000 for 5000 signed up participants, or $10,000 if there are 10,000 participants.

So be a sport and sign up and participate because what’s more exciting than spreading some cheer? Other than a new episode of Game of Thrones that is. Seeing as regristrations open tomorrow we thought we’d talk about how to make this year’s #NZSecretSanta an awesome experience, both for returning Santas and new ones.

Step 1: Follow @nzsecretsanta and Register.

Link your Twitter account to a New Zealand Post online account. It’s easy-peasy, just follow the instructions. Seriously, it’s really easy. Just do as we do.

Mean Girls♥ (Scenes)

Step 2: Tweet! It’s no fun if you’re a Silent Egg.

Just tweet, okay? You can tweet as per usual, if you’re not a prolific tweeter then at least try to make an effort. Hell, tweet about your interests, you can even drop a hint or two if you like, or be as blunt as Jess: “Just because I am an accountant does not mean I want a calculator”. And if you think your tweets are not showing off your personality, add in your personal website, instagram, or links to things you like in your bio. Just keep in mind nobody likes a Demanding Darcy. “I like wacky socks” is good, “GIVE ME WACKY SOCKS” notsomuch.

christmas animated GIF

Oh and remember to use the hashtag: #nzsecretsanta.

Step 3: Stalk Your Recipient Like There’s No Tomorrow.

Get up in there. Obviously we don’t condone actual stalking, because that’s weird and not at all cool, we’re talking getting to know your recipient without alerting them to the fact that you are their Secret Santa. This is where all your days spent online stalking exes, crushes and frenemies come in handy. Don’t act like you don’t do it. But seriously you have to up your twitter stalking game once you find out who you’ve got and Veronica Mars your way into finding out what they like, from links of any websites they have, to their twitter conversations and other online activity. Word of advice, though, don’t start following the person straight away. Stalking is an artform. Put them on a private list or follow a bunch of people using the #nzsecretsanta timeline at once, it’s a great time to get exposed to new tweeters, anyway. Fingers-crossed you get someone fun who hasn’t set their twitter account to private and isn’t a Silent Egg.

Step 4: Get them a Kickass Gift and SEND IT.

This is important, after you’ve sleuthed to your heart’s content, get around to actually sending your gift to the Santa Storehouse to be processed and sent off to your recipient. Which should be easy because you would have registered and have been told how to do it here. Try to be a bit early, definitely in before the 10th of December, especially if some people may have supplied work addresses and will be on leave nearer to christmas. Giving a gift is a great feeling because you’ll know that your recipient will feel like Glen Coco.


And your gift doesn’t have to be super expensive to be cool (in fact you’re supposed to keep it about $10 if you’re buying). The best gifts are the thoughtful ones. So be creative and most importantly SEND IT IN. Because if you don’t send it, know that this will be you:


Step 5: Tweet About What You Get ^_^

It’s not fun unless we’re all shoving our cool gifts down each other’s throats, in a non-graphic or violent way, so tweet, insta, facebook and snapchat all the photos of the gift your amazing NZ Secret Santa got you. Note that Jess, below, got One Direction stationary instead of a calculator because her teeny bopper personality shined through her tweets.

Once again, remember to use #nzsecretsanta for all them humblebrags, come Christmas it should be the humblebrag hashtag. Unless it winds up being Jaded Central. But let’s not dwell on the (possible) negatives, and pledge as Awesome Secret Santas to follow the 5 Steps to an enjoyable NZ Secret Santa experience.



Some Key Dates for 2014 to keep in mind:

13 Nov, that’s tomorrow, registrations open.
19 Nov, get in quick because this is when registrations close.
21 Nov, find out who you get to stalk, I mean get to be Secret Santa for.
10 Dec, you need to have your gift sent BY this date.
19 Dec, know that your gift should be on its way!



A JawkwardLOL Understanding of ‘Throwing Shade’

‘Shading someone’ isn’t talking smack, yeah who would’ve thought? Upon delving into the neo-definition and short evolution of the slang term ‘shade’, and what it now means when you ‘shade’ someone, I’ve discovered a colourful history and the surprisingly complex nature of a term I had originally associated with basic smack talk.

The term ‘shade’ is thought to originate from Paris is Burning, a 1990 documentary on Harlem drag balls, when renowned drag queen Dorian Corey explains what ‘shade’ and ‘throwing shade’ is:

“Shade is, ‘I don’t tell you you’re ugly, but I don’t have to tell you because you know you’re ugly.’ And that’s shade.”

In fact it would appear that ‘throwing shade’ dates back to as early as 1925:

“Most often associated with Black English, but it is also said to be used among gay and cross-dressing performers and club-goers. Etymological Note: Probably related to shade, v., which means “to defeat, to outdo” and dates to at least as early as 1925 and also to the far more common put in/throw in the shade with the same meaning.”

Shade, in the context of popular culture, is an intricate weaving of language and subtle, passive aggressive, innuendo. It’s rather a show of wit and mental prowess. Now picking up on it and responding in the appropriate manner takes just as much wit, as shown here by Mariah Carey.

In usurping Nicki Minaj’s attempt to shade Mariah Carey, note Nicki’s use of the past tense ‘was’ when referring to how great a song ‘All I Want For Christmas’, Mariah’s response is a good example of counter-shading. She does not outright say that Nicki’s music isn’t on par with her own but rather, by highlighting the far reaching success of her own music and its continued popularity well over a decade later, she subtly insinuates the brevity of Nicki’s success.

It takes intelligence and quick wit to expertly ‘throw shade’. If you have any of your own examples of ‘throwing shade’, please be sure to hit that comment button.

Roast Busters, Rape and the People Who Victim Blame.

I wasn’t going to broach the subject here, because Lord knows I’ve exhausted the topic enough on twitter, however the more tweets I come across of people blatantly slut-shaming and victim-blaming the more I wanted to make a quick post about the nasty vindictive attitudes these people have in regards to rape, rapists and victims.

Now don’t get me wrong, the overwhelming general public reaction, once the story broke, to the Roast Busters has generally been that of outrage. However there continues to be an alarming amount of people (we’re looking at you RadioLive’s Willie Jackson and John Tamihere) choosing to slut-shame and victim-blame the girls, with others even defending the Roast Busters’ actions.

It’s bad enough that the Police handled the situation rather poorly, having made no convictions despite three informal complaints and even a formal complaint made two years ago by a, then, 13-year-old.

It’s bad enough that these girls were raped (because that’s what it was) and then shamed on a social media site.

It’s bad enough that these boys thought that what they were doing was alright and even had other people think the same, painting their abhorrent behavior as that of ‘boys being boys who need to grow up’ or overlooking it altogether.

But to then flip it around and blame the girls for the abuse inflicted upon them? No. It’s not okay to then make statements implying that these girls should have known what they were in for. It is not okay to say that what occurred to them was their own fault for being where they were and acting a certain way as to encourage the perpetrators- completely ignoring the fact that girls as young as 13 were exploited, violated and humiliated.

It’s not okay, it’s deplorable.

Trigger Warning: The following Victim Blaming/Slut Shaming/Rape Apologia will contain stupid to the 10th degree and will make you question your faith in human decency.
I came across people who asserted that the girls shouldn’t have been going out and drinking at 13 anyways, that they were garden tools who cried rape after the fact and that the boys shouldn’t be blamed for their actions.

  • Get drunk? Expect rape. Because, why are you even out of the house?



  • The girls ‘claimed rape’ / ‘played the victim card’ afterwards once they were named and shamed on facebook. Because, garden tools.


Screen Shot 2013-11-08 at 1.23.50 am


  • Is rape hilarious?


  • Roast Busters’ actions weren’t illegal because the girls followed them, the girls ‘put themselves in that situation’. It’s not rape, it was consensual sex between a Roast Buster and an intoxicated and often underage girl. So, these guys are ‘innocent until proven guilty’. If you agree at all with these statements then you, and the people below who do, should have a read of the Laws regarding rape, and consent to sex, in New Zealand. I’ve picked out the pertinent sections for clarification.
128A Allowing sexual activity does not amount to consent in some circumstances
  • “(1) A person does not consent to sexual activity just because he or she does not protest or offer physical resistance to the activity.
  • “(4) A person does not consent to sexual activity if the activity occurs while he or she is so affected by alcohol or some other drug that he or she cannot consent or refuse to consent to the activity.
134 Sexual conduct with young person under 16
  • “(1) Every one who has sexual connection with a young person is liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 10 years.

     In this section,—

    • “(a) young person means a person under the age of 16 years


The ignorance doesn’t just perpetuate rape culture, it informs the way these crimes are investigated and more importantly how the victims are treated and viewed both by those around them and by authority figures (looking at you investigating officer who advised a 13-year-old that she shouldn’t have gone out in clothes that basically ‘asked for it’). The thoughts and views of a select few I’ve come across on twitter and facebook indicates why too many rapes go unreported.

What does victim blaming promote, other than the idea that a person is at fault for something someone else does to them? Despite the ignoramus group I’m referring to, the overall sentiments from the public make me slightly optimistic for the future. I’m looking at you, companies who’ve pulled their ads from Willie and JT’s RadioLive show. Because no matter the circumstances, rape is rape and it’s never okay. People shouldn’t be taught ways in which to avoid getting raped, instead everyone should be taught to respect each other as human beings and to not rape. 

– Mata


The Price of a Kidney.

Tonight, or last night as I note that it is now five minutes to two in the morning, I watched TV3’s 3rd Degree presents The Vote and even participated in the debate. Texting in was free, take that X Factor NZ. The subject being something a few of us will most definitely encounter, if not in our own lives than at least through someone we know or people we encounter:

‘Our kids – The problem’s not poverty, it’s parenting. Do you agree?’

I voted no, by the way, going against the grain it would seem. Poverty plays a huge role in ensuring that the lives of children in this country, and anywhere abuse/malnutrition is a prevalent issue, is sub-par. However it would appear that most of whoever was voting on all of the platforms offered by the show believe that the problem does in fact stem from bad parenting. I may have voted against the idea that parenting is the problem for reasons like a parent’s inability to provide the bare minimum for their children if they don’t have the means, however to be honest I’m of the mind that it’s a mixture of both. A parent, drowning in poverty, can’t completely focus their energy on their child alone when they’ve got to figure out how to keep a roof over their heads, food on the table and the electricity going. It would seem so easy to say things like ‘it’s down to the parents to be good parents and prioritise’ when you don’t have to wonder each week whether you’re going to have enough money to pay the bills. Like Celia Lashlie pointed out ‘the only people who say it’s not about the money are the people who have money.’

Poverty is the state of being extremely poor, or the state of being inferior in quality or insufficient in amount. Now although this definition pertains to the party in question’s financial situation I can’t help but start to wonder at what point, for a person living in squalor, does it go from being the state of being inferior in quality to just being inferior. It’s no secret that no one wants to feel inferior, however when you’re unable to financially provide certain amenities for your family, or you’re part of a family that seems to perpetually be stuck in the poverty rut, you start to feel that you’ve become your financial problems. That is to say that you begin to believe the root of it all is you, and that’s what blaming it on the parents seem to perpetuate.

I understand the argument that some parents are spending the little money they happen to get on stupid, selfish, things like cigarettes, alcohol and gambling. But that’s because it’s more than just bad parenting, or poverty, it’s an amalgamation of both! A cycle, even. Poverty breeds ignorance that leads to bad parenting, which leads to poverty, that often leads to making desperate choices that are in conflict with what constitutes being a good parent and these decisions impact the next generation who grow up in poverty and so on and so forth. Those who voted for bad parenting can’t honestly expect us to believe that in order to make things right you have to treat everyone the same and just teach the parents to be better with what they have. Because you can’t honestly say that people living in poverty have the same opportunities as those who are not.

Now in saying this, does anyone know how one goes about selling a kidney on the black market? You laugh, but if you’ve managed to read all the way down to this here last paragraph I would wager you have the mental dexterity and endurance of someone who knows how to get out of a tight jam. A financial jam. Yes, staying topical! Seriously, hit that comment button or tweet me with some information. No harm in shopping around, you only need one kidney to survive. If you’re in need of one [stage whisper] kidney, or perhaps you have something to say about the poverty vs parenting issue, then leave us a comment. (Mainly if you have information about how one goes about selling one’s kidney though.)


In Times of the Recession

Remember when every second news story was about ‘The Recession’? I’m sure we did some crazy things thinking that we were headed towards Brokeville, not that I ever lived outside of Brokeville. However the following is a paid advertisement for- wait, that’s not right. The following is something that spawned from my brain during the so-called ‘Recession’. Read it and let it improve you post Recession hysteria.


I’m sure you’ve heard on the news and basically everywhere that we’re in, or headed towards a recession. Hmph, so why aren’t people acting like it? I have some theories, mostly consisting of people being stupid and optimistic, optimism being synonymous with stupidity for the purposes of this post. However this post isn’t about my theories on why people are acting like it’s the roaring twenties. Which, by the way, was followed by the Wall Street Crash of 1929 and eventually the Great Depression. Anyone remember that? If so, why are you reading this, shouldn’t you be dead? Just kidding, don’t be offended- or else… once again, I’m just kidding.

Right, so this post here is about what to do in times of the recession, as advised by me. Your one and only source for useless (more or less true, less rather than more) information and advice.

In times of the Recession:

1. When you come into a bit of money, don’t go spending it on dumb shit. It’s the recession! So forget stuff like personal hygiene, savings and sensibility. Oh no, you should go buy some bling! Because God knows when times get rough you can always eat your brand new clock necklace, which by the way isn’t only gangsta, but useful- because it’s ANALOGUE and everyone knows digital clocks are going to go down when Y2K rolls around. Oh wait.

Next piece of advice.

2. Don’t bother making your lunch at home! It’s the recession! You have to conserve the little strength you have, so go spare a few dollars to buy yourself something worth a week’s worth of lunch, because what’s more important? Being fed for a day with delicious but expensive food, or wasting time and energy making yourself a more frugal lunch you won’t enjoy as much?

3. Don’t look like a tight-ass. It’s the recession! Make sure you shout all of your friends, either at the pub/bar or at lunch. Because that way you’ll look like you’re not worried about the recession, and when the recession hits you hard perhaps you’ll find one of your friends you shouted to ‘pay you back’ for that drink. If not, well…

4. Get yourself fired from any secure form of employment you have. It’s the recession! You have to keep your options open so that you’re able to play the field, and be available when the opportunity to make money for doing nothing arises. Besides, having no job means you won’t have to waste money on menial things like transportation to said job and personal upkeep for said job, so win win guys.

5. If you can, make sure to sell all of your assets and invest into something you think will be the next ‘big thing’. Become a shareholder in a company that you know nothing about, surely if you don’t know anything about it, it’ll surprise you by making you even more richer than you (never) were before! Because who needs a house? It’s the recession! You can’t afford to live in a stable house with electricity and running water, those things cost money, so do the right thing and sell. In fact, put it up on trademe and sell to the first bidder, it’s the recession!

6. If you can get away with it, invent your own currency and try to use it as legal tender at a store. It’s the recession! Sure any money is good money. Try a dairy first, and tell them you’re the King of your own country and this is legal tender, if they don’t believe you, tell them that they are not welcome in your country and storm out of the store, and then try the next store. If you’re not successful at any store with your own currency, try monopoly money. It’s worth a shot, anything goes in times of the recession.

7. And finally, try to get into jail. It’s the recession! Apparently life in the slammer, is a lot better than out of it. With tax payers’ money going towards the maintenance of correctional facilities, and the shitty predictions of what people on the outside have coming to them, prison with its three square meals a day, recreational time with activities to keep you busy so you don’t think about the cell where a bed and (so I’ve heard) a TV awaits you. What are you waiting for? Free board too, all you have to do is make sure you’re in there during the recession to be released after it. Make sure you obtain an online degree before you come out though, that way you’re a criminal with qualifications and not just a ‘crim’. White collar crimes are the way to go by the way, because you don’t want to be mixed with a bunch of violent sods who’ll grind your bones to make their bread, that is, if you’re not made their bitch first.

So there you have it 7 simple steps, in no particular order, to winning in the recession. Because no one wants to be completely screwed over. You have to get to the recession before it gets to you, just remember that. Show it who’s boss, don’t be intimidated by its ‘the’ and three syllables. You have to grab the recession by it’s metaphorical balls and make it sing falsetto, and when you’re out of money with nothing to your name but the clothes on your back, (which you may well lose in a rumble on the streets of South Auckland) just know that YOU battled the recession and you lost with dignity.
If anyone tells you otherwise you say to them, “Hush, nay-sayer, HUSH.”

If you took any of this seriously, seek help immediately. At least look up ‘satire’ in the dictionary or, for the more tech savvy of you, google it.


Things I decide to revise and post at 20 to midnight on a Saturday night. My life is the balls. Proper mental.



You do not know me but I know you. You do not know me, but I was the one who bestowed upon you your first kiss. From the very first moment you inhaled me, setting into motion this lifelong addiction, I have been there. To witness your first of everything: the first human touch, the first touch of sound and the first invasion of darkness by light; revealing to you– your first glimpse of the world.
I have known your deepest fears, innermost desires and darkest hours.
In spite of this, you have looked right through me; not knowing how much we mean to each other. You have taken me in, to push me out every day and yet you do not acknowledge me.
I have felt the tears you’ve cried streak down the mound of flesh that is your cheek. I’ve felt the rushing of myself through the vent ways of you, whilst you laughed without concern.
I am as important to you, as you are to me: you give me a reason to exist and I am part of your survival.
Without me your lungs would close, your heart would cease to beat, thus cutting off the flow of blood that delivers me to every inch of you. Without me you cannot respire, without me your heart would stop, for without me you cannot live. Yet you ignore me.
I have caressed your cheek, when the wind has pushed me forward. I have kissed your lips while you lay sleeping, and when you think you are alone, I surround you with my unheeded presence.
I was your first kiss, along with your first breath and although you do not know me, I will also be your last.

Referred to by someone as the Stalker’s National Anthem. And looking at it from a certain angle I suppose it could be! I was only talking from the perspective of air. Jawkward.


Liebster Award Shenanigans.

The-Liebster-AwardIn all honesty we were ready to throw in the towel and chalk this up as our first failure, however I persevered and here we are. By we and our I really mean I and my. Jess fulfilled her part, sort of, she gave her answers to the lovely misswho’s questions. Granted, rather than pick a blog or two to nominate, Jess helped me decide that we were only going to choose three other blogs because we’re about quality, not quantity. Thanks for the nomination misswho! We shall now proceed to answer the questions, pay it forward and generate our own questions for the other three blogs to answer in their own Liebster Award post.

Le Rules

  • Post eleven facts about yourself
  • Answer the questions posed by your nominator
  • Pass the award on to eleven (we’re doing three) new recipients
  • Pose eleven new questions to your bloggers
  • Post a copy of the badge on your blog (type “Liebster Award” into Google images; you’ll find plenty to choose from).
  • Notify nominees

Eleven Facts About JawkwardLOL or Jess and Mata respectively.

  1. JawkwardLOL is the creation of one Samoan writer and one Fijian Indian accountant who decided to take their love of TV, books and movies and combine it with awkwardness to form this website.
  2. Mata: I fell into a creek the first day of my first visit to Samoa when I was ten.
  3. Jess: I live under a bridge.
  4. Mata: I have about ten books that are waiting to be read, including King of Thorns by Mark Lawrence. If you haven’t read Prince of Thorns I suggest you remedy this as soon as possible, and in turn I will remedy the fact that I have yet to start reading King of Thorns.
  5. Jess: I have given up trying to catch up on Bones.
  6. JawkwardLOL has a youtube channel that you should subscribe to.
  7. Jess: I studied Accounting, Economics and Politics at uni. I am a well rounded individual.
  8. Mata: Was that a dig at me? I studied English and Politics before studying English at a postgraduate level.
  9. JawkwardLOL is a combination of our names, sort of. Jess just liked adding the letter J to things and I added the LOL at the end. Also there are a number of layers to the word, the unpacking of which would take multiple posts and a movie.
  10. Jess: I once watched a whole season of Doctor Who during the course of a day, at uni. My favourite doctor is the Eleventh, played by Matt Smith.
  11. Mata: I do not have a favourite doctor, I love them all equally.

Questions posed by misswho.

  1. Favourite guilty pleasure? Jess: Listening to the Hannah Montana soundtrack and watching Good Luck Charlie.
  2. Explain your blog title. Please refer to number 9 of facts about JawkwardLOL
  3. You’re on the TV show Misfits, and have been granted/cursed with a superpower that reflects your personality (for example, an irritable person may have Hulk-like rage attacks when provoked). What is your superpower and why? Jess: Misfits, easy. Teleportation. I would love to travel around the world.
  4. What is your favourite line from a book, movie, TV show, play, speech, poem or song? Mata: ‘Seems Madam? Nay it is, I know not seems.’ William Shakespeare, Hamlet. Act I Scene II.
  5. What are you currently working on? Mata: A script for our next video. Hopefully a skit.
  6. Most thumbed book in your collection? Jess: ‘The Freedom Junkies” by Cliff Taylor.
  7. What are you doing/what did you do this Valentine’s Day? (I’m eating chocolate with “Someone Like You” on repeat.) Mata: I legitimately cannot remember.
  8. Do you listen to music while you write? If so, what music? Mata: All sorts, sometimes Bach or Beethoven. But currently I’m listening to Fun. ‘Why am I the one?’ Sometimes I can’t get anything written until I chuck on some My Chemical Romance, or Tupac.
  9. What are your pet peeves? Mata: Ignorance. Also, when people borrow books and don’t give them back- I don’t realise until I need it again and go to grab it but can’t find it and then have a panic attack because my books are extensions of myself.
  10. If you could offer one piece of advice to a beginner in your field, what would that be? Jess: I’m an accountant. My one piece of advice? Love money.
  11. What are you most proud of? Jess: You know what they say, pride comes before the fall. I’m paraphrasing because I’m not the words guy here.

Our Nominees

BitchAboutDevo: We know Kara from twitter. She’s boss.

JAFA Round the World: CW has some brilliant insights and beautiful photography!

Lost Coconut: A fellow coconut, malo malo, chronicling her life as a Samoan mother studying Ethnomusicology at the University of Melbourne.

Our Eleven Questions, should you choose to accept them:

  1. What TV character would you most like to have dinner with?
  2. Look to your left! The first item you see will be taken with you when you’re thrown into a vortex that lands you in Narnia. What is it?
  3. What did you have for lunch yesterday?
  4. If given the chance (yes, time-travel is available, as are weapons) would you assassinate Hitler?
  5. Favourite social media platform?
  6. Welp! You’re sucked into a movie! What kind and, if applicable, do you survive through to the end?
  7. Quick, the square root of 234567!
  8. Jack gives Mindy $2. Mindy loans a dollar to Jan. How much money does Derek have?
  9. Timelord or Wizard?
  10. You get a call from your favourite fictional character, who is it?
  11. If lightning strikes the sea, why don’t all the fish die? (First of all, do you know the answer. Secondly, bonus imaginary points if you know where that quote is from.)

Well, lovelies. I do hope you partake. Also, random reader who has happened across this website.