Reign on Prime – 1×02: Snakes in the Garden

So who caught last week’s second episode of Reign on Prime? Anyone? Well, if you did and have come to talk to someone else who has, you’ve come to the right place. We might be the only two in New Zealand watching- so I’m sorry this is late.

Right where were we? Mary’s ladies in waiting are cray, the girl in the wall is cray and basically everyone in and around the French court are super-cray but hey- I still kinda like it. In this episode we have a slightly menacing English diplomat, more attempts (?) on Mary’s life/alliance with France, frisky behaviour and scary shit in the woods and walls.

A couple of things are cleared up in the episode, like who tried to poison Mary while she was at the convent and the name of Mary’s super friendly, super freaky, sack-headed helper in the wall. With a bit of exposition in the form of Charles (one of Henry’s younger sons) speaking to the shadows, we’re told the girl in the wall’s name is Clarissa. Hi Clarissa.

The attempted assassination of Mary last week was, as insinuated by the English diplomat Simon, (History fangirl squee at the mention of Good Queen Bess) courtesy of the English court. Trying to scare Mary back to Scotland, as they know her betrothal/alliance to Franc[e]is is tenuous at best. See what I did there? However, as we know, these aren’t the only attempts on Mary, bad queen Catherine (last episode) tried to have the fiance, Colin, of one of the ladies in waiting (Lola) drug and rape Mary in the hopes of having Mary’s betrothal nullified- well someone set him free.

Although, lord knows how free one is when the only place they can run is into the woods, the place where ya can’t go for fun times because pagans and possibly monsters? Reign could totally throw monsters into the mix, couldn’t they? Colin’s found himself in the woods and just like when Sebastian, the king’s bastard and according to my sister the better match for Mary despite never having existed, went into the woods in search of Mary’s dog, he once again finds himself in the woods looking for her subject (and would-be rapist).

Bash finds Colin’s body strung up over white petals, Francis finds him as he’s about to cut the sod down until they hear people in the woods around them. Francis is all like ‘dude it’s the guards, it’s cool man’ but Bash knows what’s up. He calls out “We take what’s ours, not yours. Even dead men answer to the king.” In another language, and cuts his hand letting it bleed onto the white petals too. Francis, like us, is like ‘what the hell is going on here bro?’ But before he can ask any questions Bash tells Francis the people are leaving and they’ve got to get Colin’s body back to the castle.

On the shipping front, Francis and Mary decide to start as friends, after he berates his father the king about their treatment of Mary thus far. But yo Bash not only got her dog back last week, but the body of her subject- like wow what a cool guy. You know who aren’t cool people? The King and Queen, the king because he’s uber gross and creepy and Kenna somehow thinks it’s hot and the Queen because she keeps trying to do bad things to Mary. At least Queen Catherine’s doing it because she’s afraid Mary’s vagina will kill Francis, or something to that effect because Nostradamus tells her it will. The King’s just trynna get his ins with Mary’s lady in waiting- who’s like one hundred times his junior. Bro, you nasty.

In the end Francis tells his mum that if she keeps trynna hurt his boo he’s gonna bounce.

Honourable Mentions:

– X Marks the spot, but the spot for what, Clarissa? The spot…for what?

– Clarissa’s a bit rude, Mary was playing a game with her and half-way through it she rolls them beads back and gaps. Like I would be pissed if during a game of indoor netball the other team just up and left.

– That chick that was ‘trying on’ Mary’s dress and pretends it’s poisoned, as part of England’s Operation Mary Mindfuck, really sold it with the poison. Not. I couldn’t help but recall them busty blondes in your run of the mill slasher film with their over-acting.

– I’m going to be honest, I had more fun writing the second half of the review. Join me next week, Prime Underclass, for episode 1×03: ‘Kissed’. Ooooh, saucy.

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