Sebastian

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Reign on Prime - 1×09: For King and Country

Hello Prime Underclass, I know last week there was an encore screening of the Reign pilot, on Prime, which threw a lot of you off. If you needed a quick refresher of the last new episode to air on Prime mosey on over to: ‘Fated’ -1×08.
‘For King and Country’ picks up right where we last left off, with Mary and Bash running away- incidentally in the same direction- because Queen Cat and the soothsayer Nozzy (good name for a band I BAGS’D IT) had finally come clean about why Catherine’s been trying to sabotage Mary’s union with Francis. The guards are hot in pursuit and Mary and Bash have no choice but to-

-jump off of a cliff together. They end up at a tavern wet and cold and tired and Bash tries not to be a peeping tom but kind of fails and just when things look like they’re going in my 14-year-old sister’s OTP’s favour the guards turn up and drag the two back to the castle.

The storylines are starting to get a bit complicated but hey that’s life on the upper east side of the French court when King Henry can only see dollar signs (that’s not right- bags of gold? A golden throne?) when he looks at Mary and so agrees to go along with Mary’s demands that he legitimate Bash. In fact he gets so behind it, he stops an attempt on Bash and Mary’s lives by his lovely wife and decides he’s off to Italy to see the Pope about a bastard.

As per usual Megan Follow’s Catherine de’ Medici is a driving force of the episode’s villain-ry while claiming maternal instinct. However there’s something about the way Follow’s eyes can appear severe without much effort that strikes a genuine fear in me for Mary’s safety. Adelaide Kane does well in her portrayal of a young Queen scrambling to save her love from a prophecy that is way off, and Bash- reputation be damned! Even if Bash is not quite a friend or love (yet). I do feel for Bash who gets thrown in jail for being in the wrong (right) place, at the wrong (so so right) time to catch Mary on her way out and then help her run away.

That confrontation between Bash and a bitter Francis, I like bitter Francis, was well-played. Bash doesn’t want the crown despite the fact that he may want the girl. Francis has no idea what’s going on, even after he finds out about the ‘prophecy’ and tries to convince Mary about how much of a poppycock the entire thing is.

Speaking of poppycock premonitions, Nozzy didn’t see himself getting a stab and gap from Clarissa did he? But oh Clarissa you really should learn to use your raspy-voiced words!

Honourable Mentions:

- Bash watch! Them eyes.

- Someone give Francis a hug! Toby Regbo also does well when given the chance to show Francis having more than three emotions. ‘Long may you reign!’ Damn, son. Right to the feels. Don’t worry, history should serve you just fine…well.
- Until next time LONG MAY YOU REIGN!
1 Comment Posted on by Mata Reign, TV Talk

Reign on Prime - 1×08: Fated

FatedWelcome, welcome, to our weekly chat about New Zealand’s favourite new guilty pleasure. Are you calm enough to discuss? In a show that’s taken such liberties with history, so much as to assert that Mary’s marriage to Francis would spark off an earache-initiated demise for our future King of France, it’s interesting to see the show finally address the ‘prophecy’ issue in a way that continues to play out like an AU fanfic about Mary Queen of Scots, her notso sickly husband and his bastard brother who totally existed.

This episode was rich in, well, everything; the soapy melodrama was amped up, supernatural undertones were pulled to the forefront once again and historical politics pulled the strings that kept our ships in place- all helping to set a tone so tumultuous you felt a bit like Francis at the end, falling to his knees in an almost comical fulfillment of prophecy.

You know that when a couple start the episode in bed all loved up that something’s going to tear into their happy bubble and bring it all crashing down around them. For Mary and Francis it happens to be ‘fate’. On team ‘Fate’ we have Queen Catherine and Nozzy (Nostradamus), and to some extent Diane who’s still trying to get Bash aboard the legitimacy train. Team ‘Frary’ (at this point) consists of King Henry- who’s super happy to hear that Mary Tudor is dying and everyone’s ready to back Mary’s play for the English throne- Clarissa and Mary’s ladies in waiting.

Bash, in meta fashion, is on team ‘AU AU AU’, that is if the world were different he’d get the girl and still have his bro too.

So the King is ready for Mary and Francis to finally tie the knot- heck he doesn’t even know they’ve rocked the boat. Giggity. And this sets Catherine into a rage, she’s ready to poison everyone to stop this unholy union that will be the undoing of her baby boy. Nozzy has another vision that foretells the death of one of Mary’s bff-ladies. And yes, it’s the one we have zero attachment to, if it had been Kenna I would have been relieved but Aylee’s death gave me no feels at all. I’m not sure if that makes me a monster or whether the writers intentionally set it up so that the first ‘regular cast member culling’ wouldn’t phase their audience too much.

Catherine finally decides that it’s time to come clean to Mary about why she keeps trying to sabotage her relationship with Francis. Only because Nozzy urges her to, she’s content to kill Mary off but the Nozmeister convinces her that the truth will set her free.

Kenna, so thirsty to be Henry’s one true mistress, gets burned when he tells her straight up that he’s never going to drop Diane because she’s the best he’s ever had. He didn’t say that, but he might as well have. Also, in her thirst, Kenna doesn’t realise the Priest who mistakes her for Diane has just shaded her. Like he just mistook you for someone old enough to have a fully grown son. Maybe that’s why the king will always go back to Diane? Double burn.

Speaking of burning, why’s Nozzy so mean to Clarissa? Sure, she’s somewhat responsible for Aylee’s death because she pushed her down the stairs but only because she would have died anyway, poisoned by the drink meant for Kenna. Kenna sees a cat lap some of the cup’s spilled contents and then sees it die. Ooooooh shit.

Isn’t it just perfect that while Bash is getting ready to run away, Mary’s also about to go on the run ‘fer the sake of her lurve!’ And so, timed most perfectly, as they’re riding out Francis comes running out too, in an effort to try to stop Mary from leaving. He sees her and Bash on their horses about to go a’galloping off together and as they do he falls to his knees, much like how he does in Nozzy’s visions making it look like Nozzy misread his own prophetic images.

Honourable Mentions:

- Anyone else feel shafted by how the ‘prophecy’ panned out? I felt a bit shafted by the fact that images that Nozzy saw of Francis supposedly ‘dying’ is suspiciously exactly the same as that final scene of Francis falling to his knees heartbroken from seeing his girl galloping away with his brother.

- King Henry telling Mary that Elizabeth will target Mary no matter if she makes a play for the English crown or not. Mary does, spoiler alert, die by Elizabeth’s orders…but only after she’s implicated in a plot against her.

- Megan Follows poisoning her bird though. That’s messed up.

- Until next week? Things continue to get dicey, and much more complicated.

1 Comment Posted on by Mata Reign, TV Talk

Reign on Prime - 1×07: Left Behind

Good evening Prime Underclass, how are we tonight? Did you catch Reign? Shall we discuss what transpired tonight? We saw some characters buckle underneath the pressure, some traumatised by the events that occured and interestingly enough we see a few rise to the occasion. One thing’s for sure, Megan Follows can hold an episode together like no other as she convinces us that Catherine de’ Medici’s probably one of the most complex characters Reign has to offer. Can we also take a minute to acknowledge that this episode was basically ‘what would you do for your children?’

So the King and his troops are away and this leaves Francis, Bash and a few guards behind to watch the castle. This turns out to be the worst idea ever as the castle is sequestered by one Count Vincent of…some place in Italy. At first we think he’s here to say hi, but nope he’s here for VENGEANCE! Also, he’d been colluding with Diane- Sebastian’s mum. Yeah, remember when she mentioned to Bash that ‘bastards being legitimized was all the rage in France’? Bash spends the majority of the episode locked up haha, but there’s a ‘Bash Watch’ mention down below. So Count Vincent’s really here because his son had been taken hostage on French soil and wound up dead. His men are down to fox with the ladies against their will and he’s going to let them. The episode is pretty brutal.

Speaking of brutal- I must say I haven’t discussed Leith (ridiculous name) and Greer in a while. Mostly because this is the most interesting they’ve been, no? You know it’s love when he slits some guy’s throat so that you don’t have to carry the burden of murder on your own.

We go from this murder to Mary and Catherine having to work together to get everyone out of the castle before Count Vincent is to leave with Francis as his hostage. It goes down while Catherine, Mary and Mary’s ladies have to have dinner with Count Vincent and his men. Throughout the evening Mary gets people out through the tunnels with the help of none other than our favourite sack-headed Clarissa- who’s marked a safe passageway out.

Speaking of ‘safe passage’ Olivia, you had one job. Serves her right to be lost in them tunnels, because she couldn’t do one thing and bolted.

Because of this Mary and her pals can’t get out and are almost raped by the Counts’ men- almost. Catherine poisons the gold that the Italians had gotten overexcited about and it kicks in just as things get rowdy… they all die except for the Count who tries a YOLO rape attempt which backfires as Mary stabs him with a fork. Daaaaaamn.

Catherine is intriguing, she’s admits to Mary afterwards that she hadn’t been completely sure that the poison would have kicked in when it did. She reveals, in a rather poignant yet steely moment, that the first lesson she ever learned was to never wait for a man’s rescue.

Mary and Francis get together at the end and, well, bow chika wow wow. We’ll see you next week, where Nostradamus is back to give us some premonitions. Even though he didn’t predict this episode aye.

Honourable Mentions:

- Gloriana was mentioned again, granted it was Diane talking smack. How dare she call Elizabeth a bastard. How dare she. Although one shouldn’t compare Good Queen Bess to someone who didn’t even exist. Hehehehe.

- “Give me your heart, then. Carve it out and hand it to me so that we might understand one another. That is diplomacy, to understand my loss, to carry the weight of a dead heart with you every night and day until you find your grave. Roberto. Give me Roberto, and I will let your children live.” Gotta feel bad for him, his son had been murdered- although doesn’t mean he had to get all rapey.

- It’s awkward enough that Olivia has to report her sexual encounters with Francis to his mum, but to also have to admit that she called her Mary?

- And in this week’s ‘Sebastian Watch': Lordy is he aesthetically pleasing to the eye. He’s sassy too! I don’t care that you didn’t exist, please don’t ever get rid of Torrance Coombs!

Anyone else think he looks a bit like a lion?
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Reign on Prime - 1×06: Chosen

You know when you do something and it turns around to bite you in the- what what now? Yeah, so does Sebastian. He screwed the pooch on the Pagan front, messing with a Pagan’s human sacrifice is like messing with a Pagan’s emotions. He knows this, because he’s now dreaming about his encounter with the Pagan boy who hurled himself off the balcony after telling him he done messed up. Bash’s interference has consequences, consequences that see Mary waking up to a damn stag’s head strung up over her bed as blood drips down from it onto her hand. The Pagans seem to be good at two things, human sacrifices and ultimatums. And the Pagans gave Bash an ultimatum, either he chooses someone to sacrifice to make up for the sacrifice he botched up by interfering in, or they choose someone for him. Bash tells them to stick where the sun don’t shine and they chose for him.

Thanks Bash.

Of course this throws the castle into a kerfuffle as they have to figure out how someone managed to drug Mary (so she wouldn’t wake up while someone was redecorating her room) and get the stag head hung up over her bed. Obviously an inside job. So Mary asks all the servants, to no avail- even Catherine steps in to play bad cop to Mary’s good.

But don’t let that fool anyone, because Queen Catherine is still Team Olivia, because ‘Mary will be Francis’ undoing’ according to her soothsayer.

And guess who’s back? Back again? Diane’s back… and Kenna’s pissed. The King comes back from Paris and brings with him Bash’s mum, you know the mistress he’s gone back to time and time again. Granted after Kenna bitches enough he pulls out the tiles, which Kenna’s friends pointed out had Diane and the King’s initials entwined, but he winds up back in Diane’s arms complaining to her about Kenna’s irritating behaviour. Like, really bro? No one told you to be creepy and hit that.

Meanwhile, Bash finds a thief to sacrifice and strings him up by his ankles in the woods. However his conscience stops him, and he uses the thief as a decoy so he can sacrifice a pagan in the poor thief’s place. Unfortunately, the thief makes the mistake of saying that he knew who Sebastian (the king’s bastard) was and Bash had no choice but to push the guy off a cliff. He gets back to the castle in time to find Mary and Francis having it out over well over Francis’ seeing Mary and Bash kiss. And Francis uses the ‘we can have an open relationship and I don’t care who you see… as long as it isn’t my brother’. Really? Really man?

So Bash now realises that perhaps his place at court isn’t that stable after all and tells his mother that Francis threatened him today over Mary. Well, my boy, your mother did tell you you’d burn for a girl who will never be yours. And Francis runs right into the arms of Olivia- oh the teenaged melodrama.
Long may it Reign.
Honourable Mentions:
- Did you guys like the bonfire with a side of Pagan servants?
- I hope you’ve stopped trying to marry history with the show.
- Join us next week on Prime for a spot of Reign. Things get pretty crazy when the castle is taken over by a nobleman with a vendetta.
- If you need any refreshers click here to read all of our past ‘Reign on Prime‘ reviews.
Leave a comment Posted on by Mata Reign, TV Talk

Reign on Prime - 1×05: A Chill in the Air

If you’ve been wondering, Prime Underclass, where Reign has been for the past few weeks wonder no more!

It comes back on the 16th of January (THIS WEEK!) when it will return to its usual slot with episode 6 ‘Chosen’. In the mean time let’s talk about the events of the last episode that aired on Prime, episode 5: ‘A Chill in the Air’. I do apologise that this is late, but at least I’m here with good news and hopefully some interesting banter for you!

So basically Olivia is Regina George and she’s about to take Aaron back. And so Mary has to resort to fighting things the way girls do in girl world. It’s a bit hard when Francis’ mum (as informed by some prophecy) is totally backing Regina.

‘A Chill in the Air’ is that episode, the one written to appeal to the non-canon shippers waiting in the wings for Francis to slip up and for Bash to swoop in and- what? Father a bastard? Ruin the already tentative alliance between Scotland and France? Or just make her feel better when Francis is being a bit of a douche. Let’s go with that last one.

Now plot-wise we’ve got a bit going on, mostly scheming on Catherine’s part to get Mary usurped by Francis’ former lover- a french blonde- in Francis’ affections and hopefully knocked up. Granted this is starting to get formulaic, at this point you can bet that in each episode we’ll have Catherine scheming to get Mary away from Francis, Francis feeling conflicted feelings and Mary left wondering why she loves someone so weak. Only this time Mary sees through it. She figures out the Queen’s scheme and decides to play the b at her own game. But not before pointing out how hard it is out there for a female- double standards and whatnot.

The episode had started grim, what with Olivia’s company being attacked and her maid’s throat being slashed like that but it revisits the darkness of the woods with a trip to the woods where Bash messes up a pagan sacrifice- *Kevin Hart voice* like, why would you touch it, if you don’t even know what it is. No, no- WHY WOULD YOU MESS WITH IT, IF YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS!
When Bash used the language of the Pagans to talk smack that time he and Francis were in the woods, making those other Pagans back down, I get the feeling that Bash does know what it is.
I get the feeling he’s going to regret this decision.

Honourable Mentions:
- Francis is turning Mary to drink with his uselessness.
- My teenaged sister’s response: Incomprehensible screaming.
- Uh oh.

- Greer and Leith are adorbs but that isn’t going to end well. Because he was a baker boy she said see you later boy, he wasn’t good enough for her. (Is what I foresee in their future, oh look at me being Nostrodamus.)
- Well, tune in to Prime this Thursday to see how this shirt storm pans out.
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Reign on Prime - 1×04: Hearts and Minds

‘Hearts and Minds’ the episode where we discover the type of man Tomas is, and the show tries to ship Bash and Lola (much to my sister’s chagrin) while Mary signs her name to the story of a whore.

Here’s the thing, Prime Underclass New Zealand, with any other show I would have kicked it to the curb by now with its genre identity crisis and, and freakin’ Lola’s costume to the Masque…Clarissa had a better costume. But I’ve stuck with Reign because there’s something completely and utterly fun about the way it throws historical accuracy to the wind and embraces the sensational world of fiction. The world where Francis’ bastard brother with his blue steel peepers steals whatever scene he’s in and there’s a ghost in the walls who goes by the name of Clarissa, which I believe is pronounced Clawr-issa, no? I just hope the CW chooses to keep this gem of a hot mess.

But onto the episode that aired last night on Prime. Mary’s Uncle Claude once again with the obvious statements, ‘Mary, you gotta marry Tomas for the good of Scotland! Otherwise Scotland’s fucked.’ But Mary’s reservations, which is 40% love for Francis, 20% cbf leaving France, 15% need for Henry to consent to her breaking off the engagement with his son, 10% heebie jeebies vibes that Tomas has started to give off and 15% Clarissa-made, stops her from just hopping on a boat to Portugal shouting ‘orale holmes!’

But she’s starting to pack and shit, because it’s not like France is helping defend Scotland from the British bullies. All she has to do is get Henry’s approval, which comes at a cost. They need to prove that Simon (remember that guy who had his sidechick pretend Mary’s dress was poisoned to freak Mary out because British Bully tactics and all that) was the one who bashed Bash, sorry I had to, because a lady of the night heard him banging on about it at a tavern and had come forward with the information. And what better way to legitimise something by having a royal queen who wasn’t there sign her name vouching for verity of the statement? Imagine trying to pull that one nowadays. ‘Oh no officer, I wasn’t there- nor do I have any evidence but the fact that I’m vouching for her makes the story true.’

It’s bad enough that Bash is hurt and so can’t get away from a girl who apparently nursed two of her brothers to death and whose boyfriend was almost executed before being sacrificed by the French hillbilly pagans, but Mary’s caught in a bad engagement as she discovers just what kinda guy Tomas really is when his spies see her and Francis get hot and heavy in the gardens.

Nothing like being engaged to someone else to make that guy you’ve been chasing realise what he’s about to miss out on. However it doesn’t bode well, as we know, because Tomas is like Lord Varys (the Spider) it seems and has spies everywhere. Not liking the fact that the Queen he’s tricked into marrying him is totally into Francis in the kind of way she’s not into him Tomas has ‘words’ with her. And as Tomas starts abusing the whipping boy (someone punished for the misbehaviour of another, which would have been terribly hard for anyone who was the whipping boy for a psychopath) in front of her and threatening to call back the Portugese ships off to Scotland’s aid back, Mary realises that Tomas is a diiiiiiiiiiiick.

The conclusion which Bash (who’s slowly getting better YAY) and Francis also come to when Francis comes to visit him and Tomas shows up all ‘yo stay away from my property’ in reference to Mary. There is a definite testosterone charge in the room which fuels Francis right up and he tries to jab Tomas in the face but Bash, at a detriment to himself, pulls Francis back before he lands a punch. Tomas walks off like ‘fuck yeah’, while Francis tends to his brother who’s now not as well as he was when he visited him. Thanks a lot Francis.

One of Mary’s ladies, the blonde one whose name I can’t remember, is also present when Tomas is smacking the shit out of his servant while he lists off the things he now owns- which includes Mary and her country. She pleads with Mary not to marry him, but Mary’s ready to sacrifice her happiness for the good of Scotland, she does however tell her ladies that they don’t have to go with her…it’s not like they do shit for her anyway.

Especially Kenna who’s come to the conclusion that she does not want to go to Portugal like fuck that so she seeks out the king and tells him that she’s ready to do that thing he wants to do with her…IF he kicks Bash’s mum, Diane, to the side and makes her his new mistress.

Meanwhile Simon’s being framed for jumping Bash and being an English spy and while he’s got major bitchface he’s not responsible for this one thing- and Clarissa who just seems to know everything leaves clues for Mary. Francis figures it out too, along with Bash and Lola, Tomas wants to be legitimised and he can he if he weds a Queen- and you know his last wife died ‘mysteriously’…with the way he kept hitting Miquel I don’t think it’s much of a mystery. So they need to get to the heart of the fabrication of Simon’s guilt.

As Mary finds the prostitute who said she saw Simon talking all that smack at the pub, who eventually confesses that she lied because she was threatened, Bash and Francis find Tomas who’s about to silence Miquel forevs. After a few clashings of steel Tomas is killed and they make it back to the castle in time to save Simon’s life who then gets some money for his troubles and a new job- envoy to Portugal anyone? I like how they then cover up Tomas’ actual death with a story about him leaping to Francis’ aid and being killed by a stag while hunting. Also, Francis’ hand shaking after he killed Tomas and Bash telling him if he wasn’t shaken up by it he would be a monster so it’s all good.

I feel Simon’s line “the matter [of Tomas] will be forgotten by all of us. And history too, no doubt,” would have been better delivered with a breaking of the fourth wall and a wink at the camera.

He’s lucky that Kenna chose that moment to use her vagine powers to stay his execution a few minutes. Henry halts the executioner’s blow to have a conversation with her and finally gives in to her earlier demand like he’s keen if she is. Uh, congrats? Shall we take bets on how long before Henry gets bored with her? Also, there’s still that ‘yuck’ factor because he’s got a son that’s her age like gross.

You know what relationship isn’t gross? Mary’s relationship with Clarissa, it’s super healthy, for Clarissa. It’s obvious she needs a little socialisation, because what normal person does this?

‘Soon.’

I wouldn’t say that final scene ruined Mary’s super HBIC moment from earlier when she puts her super modern flats-clad foot down when Henry’s all like ‘business as usual?’ She takes charge of the situation and snaps her fingers like ‘no, bitch- I’m taking the wheel on these engagement negotiations, oh and first order of business? France’s aid to Scotland’. BOOM.

No, that final scene just shows that Mary and Clarissa’s relationship has progressed to sleepovers, Mary just doesn’t know it yet.

Honourable Mentions:

- Mary: “Half of Europe thinks that you are sickly and weak and stunted.” Bahahahaha, imagine that! Oh right, yeah he died of an earache.

- Nostradamus asks Catherine in the beginning who designed the target being used for Francis and Tomas’ archery/pissing contest. I wouldn’t exactly call a sack for a head a ‘design’ but whatever floats your boat I suppose. Catherine is aware of a ‘ghost story about a girl who frightens the maids’ away- I’m just like, that’s fucking rude because Clarissa is really nice if you get to know her, just ask Mary.

- “Every time I look at her I feel better, every time I look at you I feel worse.” Bash, that’s rude. Nostradamus was only trying to help you! And, according to my sister, keep Lola the desperado away from you.

- Queen Catherine doesn’t want Mary to be unhappy, she just doesn’t want Mary to be here. Don’t get it twisted.

Leave a comment Posted on by Mata Reign, TV Talk

Reign on Prime – 1×03: Kissed

MaryWell, guess who remembered what day Reign airs on Prime? Not this guy, I thought it was Fridays! I was mistaken, Prime Underclass, but hey at least I realised a lot earlier than I did last week! And on that high note let’s get right to it. The English are coming! Well, actually they’re here at the Scottish border and they politely request you get some more eggs, kid. First of all the kid had A SCOTTISH ACCENT! A rarity in a show about the Queen of Scots but what can ya do? Secondly, cook the men some eggs! (NZ joke there, don’t mind us.)

This week there is a little less of the supernatural, unfortunately, but the political interplay is pulled forward into the foray. While I enjoy the watching Mary run around in secret passageways trying to talk to a girl with a sack on her head- the political web of (al)lies is rather intriguing. Especially if it means we get to see Kane exercise them acting chops as Mary finally starts to acquire, how shall I say, some agency- granted it’s with the news from her mum that the English soldiers are amassing outside Scottish borders (thanks Unc Claude De Guise, who also has an English accent).

Uncle Claude asks Mary what’s up with their allies dragging their feet with everything, namely military aid and the small matter of Mary’s marriage to Francis. And Mary’s like ‘I can’t just hit Francis over the head with a forget-me-stick and drag his ass up the alter’. She may not have said those words, but her eyes projected them. The thing is, France aren’t too keen to hitch their wagon onto a weak donkey that isn’t going to get them far and Mary, who was looking pretty eeyore-ish of late, understands that they’re being politicians. Unc Claude however ends their convo with “As Queen you must do something,” gee whizz, thanks for the most obvious piece of advice of the episode, but he’s right. So Mary barges into a meeting to ask, nay demand, that Henry send military aid but she gets bounced.

So what’s a Queen to do but find other avenues? After nearly killing the visiting Prince Tomas (Manolo Cardona) of Portugal by chucking a ball at his head and then using him to break her fall from a tree, Mary tries to negotiate a deal for troops. Tomas doesn’t take the deal, instead choosing to propose to Mary- like really dude? He promises military aid and an immediate wedding which Francis isn’t giving her. Mary’s a bit weirded out by this, understandably; not only does her lady-in-waiting Greer (weird name, Greer, it rhymes with leer, cheer, fear, here, hear, deer, dear- I’ll stop now) think she’s got a shot with Tomas because he’s a bastard like Sebastian, he is nothing like Bash, but Mary’s also just not that into him. However, she’s a royal and her people are in trouble and this guy’s offering what she needs. Mary tells Francis of Tomas’ proposal, which seems to jolt Francis into action and in what looks like the first time Francis has ever done anything of import he interrupts King Henry and Bash’s fencing sesh to ask he send the companies Scotland needs.

I like that the King can be so open about which son he likes spending time with, “Francis are you mental? Get outta here with your crazy talk. Can’t you see I’m having bonding time with my favourite bastard- I wish he was legitimate.” Okay he doesn’t say that, but he does bounce him, basically explaining that it’s too dangerous for France to come to Scotland’s aid. Francis doesn’t like it but he can’t do shit about it- which may or may not be true. He needs to get creative, c’mon Francis!

While at a ball, where Mary’s dress looks slightly- only slightly due to an Elizabethanish-style collar- of the time, Francis and Mary are dancing and he relays the bad news. I like that they’re still kinda dancing when Tomas goes all ‘it’s Mr Steal-Your-Girl’ and cuts in. This buster’s got to go! They do some kind of sexy-dance thing which I’m sure wouldn’t have been well received in the 1500s, and looks more uncomfortable than arousing for Mary, and has everyone staring- leave it to Bash to ask Francis ‘Why can’t you dance like that?’ Oh Bash, you may not have existed in history but may you live forever on Reign.

Francis finally has a ‘light-bulb’ moment and seeks out his pops- because by George he’s got it! He blackmails Henry, threatening to tell Queen Catherine and Mistress Diane of the king’s new affair with Kenna (ew) and make the King’s life just a little bit rough. Henry, just short of exclaiming ‘I’m glad your balls have finally grown’, is pleased by Francis’ initiative and finally agrees to send six companies of troops to Scotland.

Speaking of Kenna, she happens across Bash who’s drinking alone, and she sits with him- her eyes on the King who’s playing the ‘make her jealous by hanging out with this pretty lady’ card and she asks if the King’s always such a womanizing douchenozzle. “Hard to image a more uncomfortable conversation about one’s father.” Bash comments, which is so true but he does offer Kenna some info and sage advice, “He’s playing you, he likes to play and he likes to win. But know this about him: a victory without effort is worse than defeat.” Basically, Kenna, make that old man work for it. Seriously, I don’t think I can ever ship that. Ever.

Francis, having got his way seeks out their best rider- Bash to go out and deliver the orders to the troops. Francis is all like ‘you sure you’re alright to ride, bro?’ when Bash is already trying to sober himself up. Like he’s gonna say no, he wants Mary to stay more than Francis does! (According to my sister, who also believes Bash deserves her more.)

I don’t know how careful he was because he returns gravely wounded, as they were ambushed by the English before they could set sail. Henry and Catherine realize this means the English were warned by a spy at court. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN. Francis, uber distraught by the fact that his brother’s been wounded and is super guilty about it, kisses Mary for the first time and tells her to marry Tomas for the sake of Scotland. And so, Mary accepts Tomas’ proposal, and Tomas sends a ship of his men immediately to Scotland. I find it exceedingly suspicious that everything seemed to work out so well for Tomas, who to me seems way too smarmy with his Portugese accent and pantene pro-v hair.

Honourable Mentions:

- Paranormal corner: Nostrodamus tells the girls their futures. All I know is it looks like he’s trying to remember whether he forgot to carry the two in a maths test from the day before and the marks count towards his NCEA level 2 Maths grade. Noz, can I call him Noz, offers cryptic pieces that make them look for the weirdest shit. Like Greer, she’s told her true love will have a white mark on his face- so Greer stares at Tomas’ face for a bit, weirding him out.

- Are we supposed to care about Greer’s romance? I think I do, but only because that cook is WAY hotter than Tomas. Oh and TE WHITE MARK IS FLOUR ON HIS FACE BUT OF COURSE SHE DOESN’T SEE IT CURRSE YOU NOZ!

- See you next week? Because [que dramatics] we’ve got to know whether Bash is okay, if he dies….the fandom dies with him! [Annnnd scene.]