Remember when every second news story was about ‘The Recession’? I’m sure we did some crazy things thinking that we were headed towards Brokeville, not that I ever lived outside of Brokeville. However the following is a paid advertisement for- wait, that’s not right. The following is something that spawned from my brain during the so-called ‘Recession’. Read it and let it improve you post Recession hysteria.

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I’m sure you’ve heard on the news and basically everywhere that we’re in, or headed towards a recession. Hmph, so why aren’t people acting like it? I have some theories, mostly consisting of people being stupid and optimistic, optimism being synonymous with stupidity for the purposes of this post. However this post isn’t about my theories on why people are acting like it’s the roaring twenties. Which, by the way, was followed by the Wall Street Crash of 1929 and eventually the Great Depression. Anyone remember that? If so, why are you reading this, shouldn’t you be dead? Just kidding, don’t be offended- or else… once again, I’m just kidding.

Right, so this post here is about what to do in times of the recession, as advised by me. Your one and only source for useless (more or less true, less rather than more) information and advice.

In times of the Recession:

1. When you come into a bit of money, don’t go spending it on dumb shit. It’s the recession! So forget stuff like personal hygiene, savings and sensibility. Oh no, you should go buy some bling! Because God knows when times get rough you can always eat your brand new clock necklace, which by the way isn’t only gangsta, but useful- because it’s ANALOGUE and everyone knows digital clocks are going to go down when Y2K rolls around. Oh wait.

Next piece of advice.

2. Don’t bother making your lunch at home! It’s the recession! You have to conserve the little strength you have, so go spare a few dollars to buy yourself something worth a week’s worth of lunch, because what’s more important? Being fed for a day with delicious but expensive food, or wasting time and energy making yourself a more frugal lunch you won’t enjoy as much?

3. Don’t look like a tight-ass. It’s the recession! Make sure you shout all of your friends, either at the pub/bar or at lunch. Because that way you’ll look like you’re not worried about the recession, and when the recession hits you hard perhaps you’ll find one of your friends you shouted to ‘pay you back’ for that drink. If not, well…

4. Get yourself fired from any secure form of employment you have. It’s the recession! You have to keep your options open so that you’re able to play the field, and be available when the opportunity to make money for doing nothing arises. Besides, having no job means you won’t have to waste money on menial things like transportation to said job and personal upkeep for said job, so win win guys.

5. If you can, make sure to sell all of your assets and invest into something you think will be the next ‘big thing’. Become a shareholder in a company that you know nothing about, surely if you don’t know anything about it, it’ll surprise you by making you even more richer than you (never) were before! Because who needs a house? It’s the recession! You can’t afford to live in a stable house with electricity and running water, those things cost money, so do the right thing and sell. In fact, put it up on trademe and sell to the first bidder, it’s the recession!

6. If you can get away with it, invent your own currency and try to use it as legal tender at a store. It’s the recession! Sure any money is good money. Try a dairy first, and tell them you’re the King of your own country and this is legal tender, if they don’t believe you, tell them that they are not welcome in your country and storm out of the store, and then try the next store. If you’re not successful at any store with your own currency, try monopoly money. It’s worth a shot, anything goes in times of the recession.

7. And finally, try to get into jail. It’s the recession! Apparently life in the slammer, is a lot better than out of it. With tax payers’ money going towards the maintenance of correctional facilities, and the shitty predictions of what people on the outside have coming to them, prison with its three square meals a day, recreational time with activities to keep you busy so you don’t think about the cell where a bed and (so I’ve heard) a TV awaits you. What are you waiting for? Free board too, all you have to do is make sure you’re in there during the recession to be released after it. Make sure you obtain an online degree before you come out though, that way you’re a criminal with qualifications and not just a ‘crim’. White collar crimes are the way to go by the way, because you don’t want to be mixed with a bunch of violent sods who’ll grind your bones to make their bread, that is, if you’re not made their bitch first.

So there you have it 7 simple steps, in no particular order, to winning in the recession. Because no one wants to be completely screwed over. You have to get to the recession before it gets to you, just remember that. Show it who’s boss, don’t be intimidated by its ‘the’ and three syllables. You have to grab the recession by it’s metaphorical balls and make it sing falsetto, and when you’re out of money with nothing to your name but the clothes on your back, (which you may well lose in a rumble on the streets of South Auckland) just know that YOU battled the recession and you lost with dignity.
If anyone tells you otherwise you say to them, “Hush, nay-sayer, HUSH.”

If you took any of this seriously, seek help immediately. At least look up ‘satire’ in the dictionary or, for the more tech savvy of you, google it.

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Things I decide to revise and post at 20 to midnight on a Saturday night. My life is the balls. Proper mental.