You have just been watching…

Sister: Wait when does it come back?!?!

Me: Christmas, probably.

Sister: BUT THIS IS JANUARY! YOU HAVE TO CALL UP THE BBC AND TELL THEM TO BRING IT BACK!!!!

The Miranda Series 3 Finale left us on, what I call, the worst cliffhanger ever. What ever shall Miranda do? I’m not surprised we’ve been left in yet another lurch. Probably the worst lurch yet! However I’m getting ahead of myself here. We need to pace ourselves, unwrap this episode slowly with deft fingers. Well, now I feel like I don’t know how to type anymore, doesn’t it feel strange? No? No. It’s gone a bit weird, no really it’s gone weird because I’m focusing too hard on my fingers and their dexterity. Tap tap tap..taptap thrust! Right, on with the review.

We begin a few days after Miranda’s big confession, Gary’s said he just wants to be friends (BOLLOX!!!!!!) after her declaration of love. Miranda is coping in the only way she knows how, plastering Gary’s face on cushions, duvet cacooning herself and singing rather apt songs whilst dancing with a stick man made out of a broom, mop a cushion topped off with a picture of Gary’s face. Miranda’s rendition of On My Own from the musical Les Misérables is not as emotionally tragic as Éponine’s but you do wind up hoping someone would execute a mercy killing. I’m only joking. Miranda should have kept singing after ‘I love him! But when the night is over, he is gone-‘ continuing, as she chucks away the cushion with his face on it, with ‘a pillow’s just a pillowwwww.’ Penny stays over for a bit, although this always proves more stressful than helpful. I do have to agree with Miranda in terms of the elderly talking during shows on TV, ‘why can’t the elderly just watch television?’ My mum does the same thing, only if I were to shove a cushion in my mum’s face, she’d shove the cushion down my throat, along with a jandal.

Miranda’s attempts to feel better also include procuring a litter of kittens as a surrogate family to ‘get over Gary.’ Although note the names.

Oh and don’t forget Sheila. Because Sheila’s important.

Miranda finally decides it’s time to rid herself of her Gary memorabilia which is something that calls for Stevie’s Heather Small impersonation please and thank you. ‘What have you done today to make you feeeeeeel proud?!’

However trying to begin a ‘Gary-free-life’ is the dumps- literally. Well she did say she was going it alone.

Back to Penny, who’s renewing her vows with Miranda’s father. Penny’s developed right alongside Miranda, she’s no longer trying to actively pimp Miranda out. Although her Middle Class Tick doesn’t seem to be getting any better, when she explains her friend’s in the throws of a personal summer as in *mouths* ghastly *shouts* MENOPAUSE. A Penny-Shower at Miranda’s flat is exciting to everyone but Miranda.

Miranda and Stevie have a small tussle over who gets to have Helena, the free spirit designing Penny’s dress for her vow renewals, as a new best friend. Helena tells Miranda that one way (apart from traveling to exotic places) to be a free spirit is to dine alone.

The little spot-light struggle between Penny and Tilly was cute- back to me, no back to me! Tilly O’Clock News! DONG! Tilly’s got a new beau and you’ll never believe who it is! DREAMBOAT CHARLIE! PING PONG CHARLIE? Nope, by the by it’s CUCUMBER CHARLIE NOW. I can’t. Tilly insists it’s not because the dating pool is so tiny, which is funny because Charlie’s not the biggest catch on any level. The start of their new relationship in short goes a little something like:

+ + RUMPEE DUPUMPEE! EEEYOOORE!

We’re skimming, I know you’ve noticed but frankly I’m tired. Don’t judge me. You’re judging and I can feel it- RUDE.

Miranda dines alone as Helena suggests and of course it doesn’t go very well. Highlights? The host yells out ‘TABLE FOR ONE!’ Miranda tries to look like she’s talking to her boyfriend on her mobile which of course rings while she’s pretending to speak to her model boyfriend. Her empowering dinner alone is cut short when Gary walks into the damn restaurant! In her attempt to get out without being detected she ruins a man’s proposal to his girlfriend. ‘You have to laugh about this!’ Miranda says, but the only ones laughing are us.

Miranda decides, after this excursion, that she’s going to sell the flat and go away. Stevie thinks Miranda’s all mouth and no trousers. Miranda winds up at the Hamilton Lodge. And look who it is!

It’s Freddy from Skins (gross sobbing, still not over what they did to Freddy at the end of series 4), I mean Jason the youth from series 1 episode 4, Holiday!

We all remember Jason. Who wouldn’t? Look at that face! I’m glad they bring back these minor characters, remember he was the one who misunderstood Miranda’s request for companionship as a ‘request’ for ‘companionship’ and ordered her an escort… who turned out to be Clive. Good times!

Also, they’re cougars. Jason run for your life! We’ll always have room 24! Phwooaaar.

Miranda needs to talk to Gary. We’ve had enough of this running about by now, despite the hilarity and eye-candy. As an audience we’re all just waiting for the situation to be resolved! The conflict itself being an imagined disparity of feelings between Miranda and Gary. True she did profess her love and Gary did tell her he just wanted to be friends. However she’s also declared her love at his restaurant opening, suddenly and abruptly, right after- sort of but not really- breaking up with Micheal. Although Gary’s been a bit iffy with his own *waves hand* issues it’s a little bit acceptable for him to need time to process the (not so) new information. And rather than be mature about it, Miranda runs away and hides away stressing like a constipated meerkat. Granted Gary himself has been a bit of a slippery eel, not a euphemism! The question of will they/won’t is only one part of he show that’s kept us all enthralled and in fits for the past three, extremely short, series.

The only other character taken on as much of an emotional roller coaster as the audience is Stevie who goes with Miranda to the airport to see her off to ‘Morocco.’ This doesn’t actually happen because Miranda’s luggage is treated as a ‘suspicious package’ and the luggage handler who tells her to just ‘let the cat out of the bag’ opens up the luggage and there’s Sheila, a cat, in the bag!

After a thousand (yes that’s an exaggeration) ‘let the cat out of the bag’ jokes and being tackled by security, Miranda finally winds up back at the Penny-Shower. Stevie helps Miranda figure out her next move which is perhaps more suited to her. A train ride out…to Scotland. The next day Miranda is on the train ready to go. Whilst sitting there with the swelling music in the background, the sombre yet uplifting tone is interrupted by a youth whose music is blasting loudly from his earphones. Miranda cuts the youth’s music short- literally. ‘Darryl! Look look what this woman done!’ Miranda is unaware of the fact that Gary has come to the station to stop her- but he’s too late. Her train is already leaving.

Fortunately this is Miranda and she’s on the wrong train, unfortunately when Gary finds her they’ve got to run from some youths thanks to Miranda. We all know why Gary’s there, we’ve been waiting for this! When they make it back to Miranda’s flat he finally man’s up for his but- not his fine butt but his but, the proverbial ‘but’ that’s held him back from actually being together with Miranda. Through all our squeeing the question still remains, are they finally together? Well, Gary does admit that ‘it’s always been’ Miranda. He’s known her long enough, so really her spiel admitting things that weren’t really secrets like her fruit friends is a little redundant, although the storage place for her remote controls was a new one. However Gary responds ‘no one can match up to you.’ And I’m pretty sure I fist-pumped the air because my OTP are OTP-ing! Don’t.

Kissing or not, for they’ve kissed in the past, (yes, outside of Miranda’s fantasies) this could still go sour. However for these brief moments our OTP is 100% in. Gary must rush back to the restaurant as the reception for the ceremony will be held at Gary’s. When Miranda turns up and suggests they tell everyone Gary freezes. It’s only fair for Miranda to second guess whether or not Gary is all in from his hesitation. As everyone arrives, yes even Cucumber Charlie, we expect a blowout- but instead what we get is a showdown! Stevie asks if Miranda is staying and Miranda responds she doesn’t know. If Gary isn’t all in than I suppose Miranda is out, which doesn’t bode well for us at all. However the show throws one more curve-ball at us when Penny announces that there’s someone who will be delighted to see Miranda and in walks Mike! Ohhh brilly pots!

As much as I love Miranda and Gary, Miracheal holds a special place in my heart. Partly because he’s adorable and partly because I feel like as soon as Miranda and Gary do get together the will they/won’t they dynamic is no longer valid and that element of the show is expelled. However then it’s unfair on Mike whose relationship with Miranda will forever be tainted with the Gary and Miranda will they/won’t they dance. And what about Mike? This man went to Africa and two weeks in decided that he was sure about his feelings for Miranda and is proposing. If you want to get technical Gary is only on bended knee because Mike is.

And so here we are at the end of another series and although Miranda may not be heartbroken she is definitely torn.

Special Mentions:

Miranda’s skill for coming up with an excuse to not attend things hasn’t approved.

Now, talk to us! What did you think of the finale? Did you laugh, did you cry? Who do you think Miranda should choose? I bet you’re all saying Gary. But what about Mike! Well, if you’re anything like Penny it doesn’t even matter as long as she chooses one and gets the hell out of Spinster Hood.

JUST SAY YES!

TO WHO?

IT DOESN’T MATTER!!!!

All that really matters is that Miranda returns for series 4 and we find out what happens!