Oh hi- annnnnnd we’re back.

‘Two Swords’ is a premiere much like the others, a lot of back and forth between characters as we try to check in with almost every one of them- including any newcomers. And what wonderful newcomers they are. The episode manages to strike a balance between the different storylines, tying them all together through some overarching theme or plot that sometimes works and other times fall flat. In this instance we have a ding ding ding as we take a look at how the events of last season (and wars passed) have permeated the lives of those affected with ideas of revenge and reason being threaded throughout each plot-line.
But first, shall we have a quick rundown of where everyone’s at?

Well Tywin’s melted down a sword that don’t belong to him (Ned’s Ice) because Valyrian steel is hard to come by, okay? Tyrion’s being barraged by everyone for things his family have done while trying to do his diplomatic wizardry and keep peace with Dorne- via Dornish prince Oberyn Martell (helloooooo RED VIPER!) Which proves difficult, for good reason. Oberyn (Pedro Pascal) in all his sexiness has come a’seeking his own vengeance for the cold-blooded murder of his sister, Elia, and her children. Pascal plays Oberyn with just the right amount of sensuality and unrestrained rage which seems to be exactly what we didn’t know Oberyn needed. The Spanish accent is delightful.

Jaime’s trying to get his ins back with his twin while trying to reconcile his new-found sense of morality and his old life of twincest and not giving a damn- but Cersei is all ‘you took too long to get back to me even though you were captured’ and she’s now betrothed to Loras whom she calls a pillow-biter because everyone knows he was Renly’s buh-buh-buh-buh. Meanwhile Dany’s on her way to Meereen with her army of former-slave-Unsullied- fighting slavery and injustice every step of the way. Daario’s changed actors but he’s still trying to get his ins- while Ser Friend-Zone Jorah tries to warn Dany about her Dragons never ever being tamed and Dany -being all regal and shit- doesn’t curr one bit. Also they’ve chucked in a hint at Greyworm-Missandei which is weird but cute but sad because Greyworm’s a eunuch. Jon Snow’s alive but under Castle Black scrutiny because he’d previously been hanging out with them Wildlings- deep undercover a la DiCaprio’s character in The Departed- while the Wildlings continue to rally- even if they want to rip each other to shreds when it comes to other factions of Wildlings. Ew Thenns.

Margaery and her Grandmother have sass sessions and Margaery talks about how Joffrey would probably give her a necklace of sparrow heads which is hilarious and true. Jaime and Brienne have honour sessions that dissolve into sass sessions- while Sansa’s accosted in the Godswood while notpraying by drunken former-Ser-now-Fool Dontos she once saved. Speaking of blasts from the past remember Polliver? The douchebag who took Needle and then killed Lommy? Well Arya does and when she sees him again she bides her sweet time until she can exact her revenge in the best way possible. They’ve diverged from Book-Arya slightly (plot-wise) however there’s one thing about the younger Stark girl that prevails, her outright badassery.