Tag Archives: Queen Catherine

Reign on Prime - 1×04: Hearts and Minds

Posted on by
Reply

‘Hearts and Minds’ the episode where we discover the type of man Tomas is, and the show tries to ship Bash and Lola (much to my sister’s chagrin) while Mary signs her name to the story of a whore.

Here’s the thing, Prime Underclass New Zealand, with any other show I would have kicked it to the curb by now with its genre identity crisis and, and freakin’ Lola’s costume to the Masque…Clarissa had a better costume. But I’ve stuck with Reign because there’s something completely and utterly fun about the way it throws historical accuracy to the wind and embraces the sensational world of fiction. The world where Francis’ bastard brother with his blue steel peepers steals whatever scene he’s in and there’s a ghost in the walls who goes by the name of Clarissa, which I believe is pronounced Clawr-issa, no? I just hope the CW chooses to keep this gem of a hot mess.

But onto the episode that aired last night on Prime. Mary’s Uncle Claude once again with the obvious statements, ‘Mary, you gotta marry Tomas for the good of Scotland! Otherwise Scotland’s fucked.’ But Mary’s reservations, which is 40% love for Francis, 20% cbf leaving France, 15% need for Henry to consent to her breaking off the engagement with his son, 10% heebie jeebies vibes that Tomas has started to give off and 15% Clarissa-made, stops her from just hopping on a boat to Portugal shouting ‘orale holmes!’

But she’s starting to pack and shit, because it’s not like France is helping defend Scotland from the British bullies. All she has to do is get Henry’s approval, which comes at a cost. They need to prove that Simon (remember that guy who had his sidechick pretend Mary’s dress was poisoned to freak Mary out because British Bully tactics and all that) was the one who bashed Bash, sorry I had to, because a lady of the night heard him banging on about it at a tavern and had come forward with the information. And what better way to legitimise something by having a royal queen who wasn’t there sign her name vouching for verity of the statement? Imagine trying to pull that one nowadays. ‘Oh no officer, I wasn’t there- nor do I have any evidence but the fact that I’m vouching for her makes the story true.’

It’s bad enough that Bash is hurt and so can’t get away from a girl who apparently nursed two of her brothers to death and whose boyfriend was almost executed before being sacrificed by the French hillbilly pagans, but Mary’s caught in a bad engagement as she discovers just what kinda guy Tomas really is when his spies see her and Francis get hot and heavy in the gardens.

Nothing like being engaged to someone else to make that guy you’ve been chasing realise what he’s about to miss out on. However it doesn’t bode well, as we know, because Tomas is like Lord Varys (the Spider) it seems and has spies everywhere. Not liking the fact that the Queen he’s tricked into marrying him is totally into Francis in the kind of way she’s not into him Tomas has ‘words’ with her. And as Tomas starts abusing the whipping boy (someone punished for the misbehaviour of another, which would have been terribly hard for anyone who was the whipping boy for a psychopath) in front of her and threatening to call back the Portugese ships off to Scotland’s aid back, Mary realises that Tomas is a diiiiiiiiiiiick.

The conclusion which Bash (who’s slowly getting better YAY) and Francis also come to when Francis comes to visit him and Tomas shows up all ‘yo stay away from my property’ in reference to Mary. There is a definite testosterone charge in the room which fuels Francis right up and he tries to jab Tomas in the face but Bash, at a detriment to himself, pulls Francis back before he lands a punch. Tomas walks off like ‘fuck yeah’, while Francis tends to his brother who’s now not as well as he was when he visited him. Thanks a lot Francis.

One of Mary’s ladies, the blonde one whose name I can’t remember, is also present when Tomas is smacking the shit out of his servant while he lists off the things he now owns- which includes Mary and her country. She pleads with Mary not to marry him, but Mary’s ready to sacrifice her happiness for the good of Scotland, she does however tell her ladies that they don’t have to go with her…it’s not like they do shit for her anyway.

Especially Kenna who’s come to the conclusion that she does not want to go to Portugal like fuck that so she seeks out the king and tells him that she’s ready to do that thing he wants to do with her…IF he kicks Bash’s mum, Diane, to the side and makes her his new mistress.

Meanwhile Simon’s being framed for jumping Bash and being an English spy and while he’s got major bitchface he’s not responsible for this one thing- and Clarissa who just seems to know everything leaves clues for Mary. Francis figures it out too, along with Bash and Lola, Tomas wants to be legitimised and he can he if he weds a Queen- and you know his last wife died ‘mysteriously’…with the way he kept hitting Miquel I don’t think it’s much of a mystery. So they need to get to the heart of the fabrication of Simon’s guilt.

As Mary finds the prostitute who said she saw Simon talking all that smack at the pub, who eventually confesses that she lied because she was threatened, Bash and Francis find Tomas who’s about to silence Miquel forevs. After a few clashings of steel Tomas is killed and they make it back to the castle in time to save Simon’s life who then gets some money for his troubles and a new job- envoy to Portugal anyone? I like how they then cover up Tomas’ actual death with a story about him leaping to Francis’ aid and being killed by a stag while hunting. Also, Francis’ hand shaking after he killed Tomas and Bash telling him if he wasn’t shaken up by it he would be a monster so it’s all good.

I feel Simon’s line “the matter [of Tomas] will be forgotten by all of us. And history too, no doubt,” would have been better delivered with a breaking of the fourth wall and a wink at the camera.

He’s lucky that Kenna chose that moment to use her vagine powers to stay his execution a few minutes. Henry halts the executioner’s blow to have a conversation with her and finally gives in to her earlier demand like he’s keen if she is. Uh, congrats? Shall we take bets on how long before Henry gets bored with her? Also, there’s still that ‘yuck’ factor because he’s got a son that’s her age like gross.

You know what relationship isn’t gross? Mary’s relationship with Clarissa, it’s super healthy, for Clarissa. It’s obvious she needs a little socialisation, because what normal person does this?

‘Soon.’

I wouldn’t say that final scene ruined Mary’s super HBIC moment from earlier when she puts her super modern flats-clad foot down when Henry’s all like ‘business as usual?’ She takes charge of the situation and snaps her fingers like ‘no, bitch- I’m taking the wheel on these engagement negotiations, oh and first order of business? France’s aid to Scotland’. BOOM.

No, that final scene just shows that Mary and Clarissa’s relationship has progressed to sleepovers, Mary just doesn’t know it yet.

Honourable Mentions:

- Mary: “Half of Europe thinks that you are sickly and weak and stunted.” Bahahahaha, imagine that! Oh right, yeah he died of an earache.

- Nostradamus asks Catherine in the beginning who designed the target being used for Francis and Tomas’ archery/pissing contest. I wouldn’t exactly call a sack for a head a ‘design’ but whatever floats your boat I suppose. Catherine is aware of a ‘ghost story about a girl who frightens the maids’ away- I’m just like, that’s fucking rude because Clarissa is really nice if you get to know her, just ask Mary.

- “Every time I look at her I feel better, every time I look at you I feel worse.” Bash, that’s rude. Nostradamus was only trying to help you! And, according to my sister, keep Lola the desperado away from you.

- Queen Catherine doesn’t want Mary to be unhappy, she just doesn’t want Mary to be here. Don’t get it twisted.

Reign on Prime – 1×03: Kissed

Posted on by
Reply

MaryWell, guess who remembered what day Reign airs on Prime? Not this guy, I thought it was Fridays! I was mistaken, Prime Underclass, but hey at least I realised a lot earlier than I did last week! And on that high note let’s get right to it. The English are coming! Well, actually they’re here at the Scottish border and they politely request you get some more eggs, kid. First of all the kid had A SCOTTISH ACCENT! A rarity in a show about the Queen of Scots but what can ya do? Secondly, cook the men some eggs! (NZ joke there, don’t mind us.)

This week there is a little less of the supernatural, unfortunately, but the political interplay is pulled forward into the foray. While I enjoy the watching Mary run around in secret passageways trying to talk to a girl with a sack on her head- the political web of (al)lies is rather intriguing. Especially if it means we get to see Kane exercise them acting chops as Mary finally starts to acquire, how shall I say, some agency- granted it’s with the news from her mum that the English soldiers are amassing outside Scottish borders (thanks Unc Claude De Guise, who also has an English accent).

Uncle Claude asks Mary what’s up with their allies dragging their feet with everything, namely military aid and the small matter of Mary’s marriage to Francis. And Mary’s like ‘I can’t just hit Francis over the head with a forget-me-stick and drag his ass up the alter’. She may not have said those words, but her eyes projected them. The thing is, France aren’t too keen to hitch their wagon onto a weak donkey that isn’t going to get them far and Mary, who was looking pretty eeyore-ish of late, understands that they’re being politicians. Unc Claude however ends their convo with “As Queen you must do something,” gee whizz, thanks for the most obvious piece of advice of the episode, but he’s right. So Mary barges into a meeting to ask, nay demand, that Henry send military aid but she gets bounced.

So what’s a Queen to do but find other avenues? After nearly killing the visiting Prince Tomas (Manolo Cardona) of Portugal by chucking a ball at his head and then using him to break her fall from a tree, Mary tries to negotiate a deal for troops. Tomas doesn’t take the deal, instead choosing to propose to Mary- like really dude? He promises military aid and an immediate wedding which Francis isn’t giving her. Mary’s a bit weirded out by this, understandably; not only does her lady-in-waiting Greer (weird name, Greer, it rhymes with leer, cheer, fear, here, hear, deer, dear- I’ll stop now) think she’s got a shot with Tomas because he’s a bastard like Sebastian, he is nothing like Bash, but Mary’s also just not that into him. However, she’s a royal and her people are in trouble and this guy’s offering what she needs. Mary tells Francis of Tomas’ proposal, which seems to jolt Francis into action and in what looks like the first time Francis has ever done anything of import he interrupts King Henry and Bash’s fencing sesh to ask he send the companies Scotland needs.

I like that the King can be so open about which son he likes spending time with, “Francis are you mental? Get outta here with your crazy talk. Can’t you see I’m having bonding time with my favourite bastard- I wish he was legitimate.” Okay he doesn’t say that, but he does bounce him, basically explaining that it’s too dangerous for France to come to Scotland’s aid. Francis doesn’t like it but he can’t do shit about it- which may or may not be true. He needs to get creative, c’mon Francis!

While at a ball, where Mary’s dress looks slightly- only slightly due to an Elizabethanish-style collar- of the time, Francis and Mary are dancing and he relays the bad news. I like that they’re still kinda dancing when Tomas goes all ‘it’s Mr Steal-Your-Girl’ and cuts in. This buster’s got to go! They do some kind of sexy-dance thing which I’m sure wouldn’t have been well received in the 1500s, and looks more uncomfortable than arousing for Mary, and has everyone staring- leave it to Bash to ask Francis ‘Why can’t you dance like that?’ Oh Bash, you may not have existed in history but may you live forever on Reign.

Francis finally has a ‘light-bulb’ moment and seeks out his pops- because by George he’s got it! He blackmails Henry, threatening to tell Queen Catherine and Mistress Diane of the king’s new affair with Kenna (ew) and make the King’s life just a little bit rough. Henry, just short of exclaiming ‘I’m glad your balls have finally grown’, is pleased by Francis’ initiative and finally agrees to send six companies of troops to Scotland.

Speaking of Kenna, she happens across Bash who’s drinking alone, and she sits with him- her eyes on the King who’s playing the ‘make her jealous by hanging out with this pretty lady’ card and she asks if the King’s always such a womanizing douchenozzle. ”Hard to image a more uncomfortable conversation about one’s father.” Bash comments, which is so true but he does offer Kenna some info and sage advice, ”He’s playing you, he likes to play and he likes to win. But know this about him: a victory without effort is worse than defeat.” Basically, Kenna, make that old man work for it. Seriously, I don’t think I can ever ship that. Ever.

Francis, having got his way seeks out their best rider- Bash to go out and deliver the orders to the troops. Francis is all like ‘you sure you’re alright to ride, bro?’ when Bash is already trying to sober himself up. Like he’s gonna say no, he wants Mary to stay more than Francis does! (According to my sister, who also believes Bash deserves her more.)

I don’t know how careful he was because he returns gravely wounded, as they were ambushed by the English before they could set sail. Henry and Catherine realize this means the English were warned by a spy at court. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN. Francis, uber distraught by the fact that his brother’s been wounded and is super guilty about it, kisses Mary for the first time and tells her to marry Tomas for the sake of Scotland. And so, Mary accepts Tomas’ proposal, and Tomas sends a ship of his men immediately to Scotland. I find it exceedingly suspicious that everything seemed to work out so well for Tomas, who to me seems way too smarmy with his Portugese accent and pantene pro-v hair.

Honourable Mentions:

- Paranormal corner: Nostrodamus tells the girls their futures. All I know is it looks like he’s trying to remember whether he forgot to carry the two in a maths test from the day before and the marks count towards his NCEA level 2 Maths grade. Noz, can I call him Noz, offers cryptic pieces that make them look for the weirdest shit. Like Greer, she’s told her true love will have a white mark on his face- so Greer stares at Tomas’ face for a bit, weirding him out.

- Are we supposed to care about Greer’s romance? I think I do, but only because that cook is WAY hotter than Tomas. Oh and TE WHITE MARK IS FLOUR ON HIS FACE BUT OF COURSE SHE DOESN’T SEE IT CURRSE YOU NOZ!

- See you next week? Because [que dramatics] we’ve got to know whether Bash is okay, if he dies….the fandom dies with him! [Annnnd scene.]

Reign on Prime - 1×02: Snakes in the Garden

Posted on by
Reply

So who caught last week’s second episode of Reign on Prime? Anyone? Well, if you did and have come to talk to someone else who has, you’ve come to the right place. We might be the only two in New Zealand watching- so I’m sorry this is late.

Right where were we? Mary’s ladies in waiting are cray, the girl in the wall is cray and basically everyone in and around the French court are super-cray but hey- I still kinda like it. In this episode we have a slightly menacing English diplomat, more attempts (?) on Mary’s life/alliance with France, frisky behaviour and scary shit in the woods and walls.

A couple of things are cleared up in the episode, like who tried to poison Mary while she was at the convent and the name of Mary’s super friendly, super freaky, sack-headed helper in the wall. With a bit of exposition in the form of Charles (one of Henry’s younger sons) speaking to the shadows, we’re told the girl in the wall’s name is Clarissa. Hi Clarissa.

The attempted assassination of Mary last week was, as insinuated by the English diplomat Simon, (History fangirl squee at the mention of Good Queen Bess) courtesy of the English court. Trying to scare Mary back to Scotland, as they know her betrothal/alliance to Franc[e]is is tenuous at best. See what I did there? However, as we know, these aren’t the only attempts on Mary, bad queen Catherine (last episode) tried to have the fiance, Colin, of one of the ladies in waiting (Lola) drug and rape Mary in the hopes of having Mary’s betrothal nullified- well someone set him free.

Although, lord knows how free one is when the only place they can run is into the woods, the place where ya can’t go for fun times because pagans and possibly monsters? Reign could totally throw monsters into the mix, couldn’t they? Colin’s found himself in the woods and just like when Sebastian, the king’s bastard and according to my sister the better match for Mary despite never having existed, went into the woods in search of Mary’s dog, he once again finds himself in the woods looking for her subject (and would-be rapist).

Bash finds Colin’s body strung up over white petals, Francis finds him as he’s about to cut the sod down until they hear people in the woods around them. Francis is all like ‘dude it’s the guards, it’s cool man’ but Bash knows what’s up. He calls out “We take what’s ours, not yours. Even dead men answer to the king.” In another language, and cuts his hand letting it bleed onto the white petals too. Francis, like us, is like ‘what the hell is going on here bro?’ But before he can ask any questions Bash tells Francis the people are leaving and they’ve got to get Colin’s body back to the castle.

On the shipping front, Francis and Mary decide to start as friends, after he berates his father the king about their treatment of Mary thus far. But yo Bash not only got her dog back last week, but the body of her subject- like wow what a cool guy. You know who aren’t cool people? The King and Queen, the king because he’s uber gross and creepy and Kenna somehow thinks it’s hot and the Queen because she keeps trying to do bad things to Mary. At least Queen Catherine’s doing it because she’s afraid Mary’s vagina will kill Francis, or something to that effect because Nostradamus tells her it will. The King’s just trynna get his ins with Mary’s lady in waiting- who’s like one hundred times his junior. Bro, you nasty.

In the end Francis tells his mum that if she keeps trynna hurt his boo he’s gonna bounce.

Honourable Mentions:

- X Marks the spot, but the spot for what, Clarissa? The spot…for what?

- Clarissa’s a bit rude, Mary was playing a game with her and half-way through it she rolls them beads back and gaps. Like I would be pissed if during a game of indoor netball the other team just up and left.

- That chick that was ‘trying on’ Mary’s dress and pretends it’s poisoned, as part of England’s Operation Mary Mindfuck, really sold it with the poison. Not. I couldn’t help but recall them busty blondes in your run of the mill slasher film with their over-acting.

- I’m going to be honest, I had more fun writing the second half of the review. Join me next week, Prime Underclass, for episode 1×03: ‘Kissed’. Ooooh, saucy.