Monthly Archives: August 2012

Aug 25

Feel Insiiiiiiide. Have you downloaded it yet?

Helpa the kids and go buy this cool as song from iTunes. Look! We’ve already helped it get to #1 on the NZ iTunes pop chart. All proceeds go towards a good cause. I’ve purchased mine, Jess has most probably purchased hers and now we’re just sitting here waiting for you to get yours. It’s written by Flight of the Conchords and some kids and features some choice NZ artists. Liiiike Brooke Fraser, Dave Dobbyn, Boh Runga, Sam Scott, Rikki Morris, Moana Maniapoto, PNC, Zowie, Ruby Frost, Kids of 88, Maitereya, Nathan King, Luke Buda, Savage, Young Sid, Tyree, Deach, Victoria Girling-Butcher, Elizabeth Marvelly, Peter Urlich and Cherie Mathieson.

Go on. Feel inside (and stuff like that) open up the lid and helpa helpa helpa the kiiiids!

Click on any of the pictures, or HERE. Go on. Also, you can watch how Bret and Jemaine got the lyrics for the song HERE.

FOTC and Guests

P.S. I noticed that my imaginary friends didn’t say ‘Hi’ to Jess on my last post. Rude.

 

Aug 23

Doctor Who: Asylum of the Daleks and AHS: The Asylum. Jawkward Dance.

Both Doctor Who series 7 and American Horror are due to start in the next month or two. I know for a fact that I’m not the only one eagerly awaiting at least one of these magnificent shows. Of course these aren’t the only ones penned into my calender, oh no. I just happened upon some news about them recently and decided I wanted to share with you, yeah you there *points* my excitement. You may exist only in my mind, but I love you anyway. Perhaps, more so than I love real people. Because if you exist only in my head it means you’re an extension of myself. And I love myself almost to the point of narcissism. *whispers* Because no one else will. Jawkward.

But back to Whovian talk. Oh man am I excited for Doctor Who. ESPECIALLY the first episode. I mean, Daleks, guys. Daleks. EXTERMINATE!!!!! I have a love-hate relationship with the Daleks. I mean, they look like little metal Christmas trees or cute baubles, but they some dangerous sons of Davros! And crazy as shit in their need to ‘EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!’ all living things in order to conquer the universe. But from what I’ve read about the first ep, HOMAHGHEERR. If you have nil access to the internet or TV and have yet to see ANY of the trailers because until now you’ve been living under a rock, here’s what I’ve got for ya…

Series 7 Trailer 1: Wild West | Series 7 Trailer 2: Dinosaurs on a Spaceship! |Asylum of the Daleks Trailer | Save the Daleks!

Now, on to a completely different sort of show. American Horror Story Season 2: The Asylum. American Horror Story, that train wreck of a show I became insanely addicted to last season despite so many things wrong with it. I’m sad, yet immensely glad they’re dropping last season’s storyline and pursuing a completely new one. This time in a mental institution, hey didn’t the builing where Spookers is located used to be a mental institution? It’s going to be fun innit? Scary? Questionable. Although to be fair there were a few times last season when I wish I hadn’t been watching at 3am in the morning whilstI was supposed to be writing essays. Here are the four teaser trailers out so far. The first one just reminds me of primary. Yes, because our teachers used to go out to the woods behind the fields with a bucket full of children’s limbs to dump. I don’t know why it reminds me of primary is just does! Stop QUESTIONING ME.

First Teaser Trailer Blue | Coat Teaser | Hydrobath Teaser Trailer | White Rose Teaser Trailer

So I have no idea how to embed youtube vids- everytime I try I get rejected/it doesn’t work and I want to punch a hole in the computer screen. I tried just now, again, and it failed. I had to refrain myself from punching the computer screen.

Jess has to read this before I can post. Hi Jess! Everyone say it with me (in the comments section) “HI JESS!” If you don’t say hi to Jess I’m a punch a kitten, in the face. That’ll be your fault. How can you even sleep at night?

This is Jess saying hi back. Thanks for saying Jess and not Jessica. Jessica makes me sound like I am trouble and well y’all know I am an angel.

Aug 19

Poor Paupers in the Back and Lucky Possums. Eat Pray Laugh!

Last night we had the privilege, thanks to Jessica, to attend Barry Humphries’ show from his farewell tour “Eat Pray Laugh!”

It had all the funnies one could ask for, politically incorrect and racist remarks, slapstick and toilet humour and above all- some fine roasting of front row audience members. Which, of course, made me very glad we weren’t seated near the front. I’m pretty sure Dame Edna Everage would have had a multitude of rasshhcial comments to make about a few brown people. Also, I would not have relished being sprayed with saliva by the Honorable Sir Les Patterson. I had a few laugh out loud moments in the beginning of the show with ‘Les Get Cookin’ making me laugh while at the same time feel a bit queasy. Oh and Les’ pedo priest brother. Speaking of the pedo priest brother. Anyone notice how hot the Pianist was? *wink wink nudge nudge*

And was anyone else a bit confuddled by the sudden depressing turn just before the intermission? Sure there were a few funny remarks, but when Sandy Stone was talking about his dead child, June, and how his own death affected his wife I think Jessica whispered ‘someone shoot me this is so sad’. Although I had to hand it to the socially inept in the audience who offered up some inappropriately timed chuckles during one of the most depressing bits of the scene, when the tricycle obviously symbolising June moved across the stage.

I’m just glad that the second half of the show was all Dame Edna all the time haha. Pam, Jane, Helen and old Seeny (Senior Citizen), the lucky members of the audience Humphries- sorry I mean Dame Edna picked on, were great sports weren’t they? Because Dame Edna was on fire, she had a field day with them. It was brilliant and all I could do was sit there emitting quiet ‘Boom! Roasted’s with every zinger. For an Aussie, Humphries is pretty ALLLLRRRIIIIGHT.

Can you stick a ‘to be continued’ on a posted post? Well guess what, I’m a do it because I’ll do what I want! Yeah I’m tired.

But before I go, how about that girl in the front row who, when Barry Humphries was addressing the audience at the end, went up to the stage with a book wanting an autograph. OF COURSE YOU WERE GOING TO GET REJECTED THE MAN WAS ON STAGE! I felt so awkward for her, taking her notebook back and sitting back in her seat, the sting of rejection amplified by the sting of her own stupidity. Yeah I’m tired and when I get tired I get a little mean. Laters, I’ll finish this post later. No worries.

Aug 5

Jawkward Forbidden Fiction

When did you first hear about Fifty Shades of Grey? Was it when it blew up and everyone’s aunt, grandma and mum started reading it? Or when they decided, hey this book has an excellent ‘oh my’ to ‘every other fucking word in the book’ ratio, let’s make it into a movie!? Either way, here we are, discussing the popularity of something I’ve heard described as ‘Twilight Smut Fanfiction’ and ‘Mommy Porn.’

Now, I’m not averse to smut or S&M, not at all. It may not be my cup of tea, but that’s not what made the book so damn fucking awkward. I’m averse to horrid writing and cardboard characters. I’m averse to poor prose and shitty vocabulary. And you can bet your bottom dollar that I’m a-fucking-verse to the underlying storyline that seems to promote not only a misogynistic ideal, but one so naive and farfetched that a better storyline would simply have been if she met him, stabbed him in the face and walked out. Instead we got a 500 page book that could have been summed up with:

Her: Oh my, you are so beautiful and rich and dark and brooding and I must needs fix you!

Him: Bitch, you better be a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets! Let me cane you.

Her: I wish you wouldn’t physically assault me, but I feel like this could lead to something more.

Him: I wanna gag you.

Her: You’re the one.

Except she’s not a freak in the sheets is she? What’s her face, Anna McNeverTouchedHerself ISN’T a freak in the sheets. She’s a Vampire-less Bella Swan cut-out of an English major with the vocabulary of a 12 year old.

I’m getting into a rant aren’t I? Somebody stop me.

The thing is, people are eating this shit up like it’s good, but I’ve seen better fanfiction. And THIS STEMMED FROM SOME D GRADE FANFICTION! I can’t with the world. Granted, I wasn’t strong enough to make it through the entire novel, forgive me fellow critics but I was weak.

Okay, I’m getting a ‘slit throat gesture’ vibe from the wonderful Jessica, so I should probably get to the point. And no, the point wasn’t to rant about the success of the misogynistic, poorly written Fifty Shades of Shit.

Here’s the real deal. Remember how the Edge was running a competition called ‘Forbidden Fiction’? Jess and I decided it would be high-larious to submit our own entry. We got together and decided our entry had to be the most ridiculous thing we could come up with. Just a quick disclaimer: We do not in ANY way condone the breaking of the Health Code, even if it’s for hanky panky. Come on guys, be Health Code wise. (I may have riffed on the Fire Wise motto a bit there.) Also, any resemblance to any institution or fast food brands are purely coincidental.

Jawkward Forbidden Fiction Entry.

You know, it’s not true what they say about Asians, because Chang was big. I could tell, he was a big bucket, if you know what I mean.

“You take the breast, I take the thighs?” He asked from behind the counter as we locked up after work, his slightly high voice cracking. Like a cookies and cream krusher poured down my pants, I melted. Walking towards him, I knew what I was about to do went against both company policy and the health code but I didn’t care. He made me feel like wicked wings, hot and spicy.

“No, you take the breast.” I said breathily, grabbing his hand and putting it on my chest. “And I’ll take…you.” The radio started playing the only song that got me hot and bothered, Flo Rida’s Whistle. “How about I blow your whistle baby?”

Finally he got the hint and ripped my uniform open, I gasped and unbuttoned his pants. He lifted me up onto the chicken bench, before he dipped his hand into the pot of lukewarm gravy and lifted it up to my mouth for me to lick off; there was so much of it that it dripped down throat and onto my breasts, soon our tongues were playing oral twister. Our hands, his hot and sticky from the gravy and mine moist from the chicken grease, were all over each other.

I licked the gravy off of his fingers and he tongued the gravy from my chest, murmuring ‘Say my name!’ I tried to form it, but my world was dissolving as we became one. “Say it!” The sensation was overwhelming and I gasped for air,

“Yes! COLONEL! COLONEL CHANG!” I screamed. I fell back against the chicken rack, spent and trying to catch my breath.

Chang bent down to pick up his cap, which I had knocked off in the throws of passion. “How was that for you babe?”

I took out my inhaler, administering it before wheezing, “God, that was finger lickin’ good.”

image

Yes. That was Jawkward for all of us.