Doctor Who: Asylum of the Daleks and AHS: The Asylum. Jawkward Dance.

Both Doctor Who series 7 and American Horror are due to start in the next month or two. I know for a fact that I’m not the only one eagerly awaiting at least one of these magnificent shows. Of course these aren’t the only ones penned into my calender, oh no. I just happened upon some news about them recently and decided I wanted to share with you, yeah you there *points* my excitement. You may exist only in my mind, but I love you anyway. Perhaps, more so than I love real people. Because if you exist only in my head it means you’re an extension of myself. And I love myself almost to the point of narcissism. *whispers* Because no one else will. Jawkward.

But back to Whovian talk. Oh man am I excited for Doctor Who. ESPECIALLY the first episode. I mean, Daleks, guys. Daleks. EXTERMINATE!!!!! I have a love-hate relationship with the Daleks. I mean, they look like little metal Christmas trees or cute baubles, but they some dangerous sons of Davros! And crazy as shit in their need to ‘EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!’ all living things in order to conquer the universe. But from what I’ve read about the first ep, HOMAHGHEERR. If you have nil access to the internet or TV and have yet to see ANY of the trailers because until now you’ve been living under a rock, here’s what I’ve got for ya…

Series 7 Trailer 1: Wild West  | Series 7 Trailer 2: Dinosaurs on a Spaceship!  |Asylum of the Daleks Trailer | Save the Daleks!

Now, on to a completely different sort of show. American Horror Story Season 2: The Asylum. American Horror Story, that train wreck of a show I became insanely addicted to last season despite so many things wrong with it. I’m sad, yet immensely glad they’re dropping last season’s storyline and pursuing a completely new one. This time in a mental institution, hey didn’t the builing where Spookers is located used to be a mental institution? It’s going to be fun innit? Scary? Questionable. Although to be fair there were a few times last season when I wish I hadn’t been watching at 3am in the morning whilstI was supposed to be writing essays. Here are the four teaser trailers out so far. The first one just reminds me of primary. Yes, because our teachers used to go out to the woods behind the fields with a bucket full of children’s limbs to dump. I don’t know why it reminds me of primary is just does! Stop QUESTIONING ME.

First Teaser Trailer Blue Coat Teaser | Hydrobath Teaser Trailer | White Rose Teaser Trailer 

So I have no idea how to embed youtube vids- everytime I try I get rejected/it doesn’t work and I want to punch a hole in the computer screen. I tried just now, again, and it failed. I had to refrain myself from punching the computer screen.

Jess has to read this before I can post. Hi Jess! Everyone say it with me (in the comments section) “HI JESS!” If you don’t say hi to Jess I’m a punch a kitten, in the face. That’ll be your fault. How can you even sleep at night?

This is Jess saying hi back. Thanks for saying Jess and not Jessica. Jessica makes me sound like I am trouble and well y’all know I am an angel.

 

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Poor Paupers in the Back and Lucky Possums. Eat Pray Laugh!

Last night we had the privilege, thanks to Jessica, to attend Barry Humphries’ show from his farewell tour “Eat Pray Laugh!”

It had all the funnies one could ask for, politically incorrect and racist remarks, slapstick and toilet humour and above all- some fine roasting of front row audience members. Which, of course, made me very glad we weren’t seated near the front. I’m pretty sure Dame Edna Everage would have had a multitude of rasshhcial comments to make about a few brown people. Also, I would not have relished being sprayed with saliva by the Honorable Sir Les Patterson. I had a few laugh out loud moments in the beginning of the show with ‘Les Get Cookin’ making me laugh while at the same time feel a bit queasy. Oh and Les’ pedo priest brother. Speaking of the pedo priest brother. Anyone notice how hot the Pianist was? *wink wink nudge nudge*

And was anyone else a bit confuddled by the sudden depressing turn just before the intermission? Sure there were a few funny remarks, but when Sandy Stone was talking about his dead child, June, and how his own death affected his wife I think Jessica whispered ‘someone shoot me this is so sad’. Although I had to hand it to the socially inept in the audience who offered up some inappropriately timed chuckles during one of the most depressing bits of the scene, when the tricycle obviously symbolising June moved across the stage.

I’m just glad that the second half of the show was all Dame Edna all the time haha. Pam, Jane, Helen and old Seeny (Senior Citizen), the lucky members of the audience Humphries- sorry I mean Dame Edna picked on, were great sports weren’t they? Because Dame Edna was on fire, she had a field day with them. It was brilliant and all I could do was sit there emitting quiet ‘Boom! Roasted’s with every zinger. For an Aussie, Humphries is pretty ALLLLRRRIIIIGHT.

Can you stick a ‘to be continued’ on a posted post? Well guess what, I’m a do it because I’ll do what I want! Yeah I’m tired.

But before I go, how about that girl in the front row who, when Barry Humphries was addressing the audience at the end, went up to the stage with a book wanting an autograph. OF COURSE YOU WERE GOING TO GET REJECTED THE MAN WAS ON STAGE! I felt so awkward for her, taking her notebook back and sitting back in her seat, the sting of rejection amplified by the sting of her own stupidity. Yeah I’m tired and when I get tired I get a little mean. Laters, I’ll finish this post later. No worries.

Jawkward Forbidden Fiction

When did you first hear about Fifty Shades of Grey? Was it when it blew up and everyone’s aunt, grandma and mum started reading it? Or when they decided, hey this book has an excellent ‘oh my’ to ‘every other fucking word in the book’ ratio, let’s make it into a movie!? Either way, here we are, discussing the popularity of something I’ve heard described as ‘Twilight Smut Fanfiction’ and ‘Mommy Porn.’

Now, I’m not averse to smut or S&M, not at all. It may not be my cup of tea, but that’s not what made the book so damn fucking awkward. I’m averse to horrid writing and cardboard characters. I’m averse to poor prose and shitty vocabulary. And you can bet your bottom dollar that I’m a-fucking-verse to the underlying storyline that seems to promote not only a misogynistic ideal, but one so naive and farfetched that a better storyline would simply have been if she met him, stabbed him in the face and walked out. Instead we got a 500 page book that could have been summed up with:

Her: Oh my, you are so beautiful and rich and dark and brooding and I must needs fix you!

Him: Bitch, you better be a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets! Let me cane you.

Her: I wish you wouldn’t physically assault me, but I feel like this could lead to something more.

Him: I wanna gag you.

Her: You’re the one.

Except she’s not a freak in the sheets is she? What’s her face, Anna McNeedsAThesarusSTAT ISN’T a freak in the sheets. She’s a Vampire-less Bella Swan cut-out of an English major with the vocabulary of a 12 year old.

I’m getting into a rant aren’t I? Somebody stop me.

The thing is, people are eating this shit up like it’s good, but I’ve seen better fanfiction. It seems fitting that Fifty Shades stems from D Grade fanfiction. I can’t with the world. Unfortunately[?], I wasn’t strong enough to make it through the entire novel, forgive me fellow critics but I was weak. But what I did manage to read made me cry salty tears of red-hot regret.

Okay, I’m getting a ‘slit throat gesture’ vibe from the wonderful Jessica, so I should probably get to the point. And no, the point wasn’t to rant about the success of the misogynistic, poorly written Fifty Shades of Shit.

Here’s the real deal. Remember how the Edge was running a competition called ‘Forbidden Fiction’? Jess and I decided it would be high-larious to submit our own entry. We got together and decided our entry had to be the most ridiculous thing we could come up with. Just a quick disclaimer: We do not in ANY way condone the breaking of the Health Code, even if it’s for hanky panky. Come on guys, be Health Code wise. (I may have riffed on the Fire Wise motto a bit there.) Also, any resemblance to any institution or fast food brands are purely coincidental.

Jawkward Forbidden Fiction Entry.

You know, it’s not true what they say about Asians, because Chang was big. I could tell, he was a big bucket, if you know what I mean.

“You take the breast, I take the thighs?” He asked from behind the counter as we locked up after work, his slightly high voice cracking. Like a cookies and cream krusher poured down my pants, I melted. Walking towards him, I knew what I was about to do went against both company policy and the health code but I didn’t care. He made me feel like wicked wings, hot and spicy.

 “No, you take the breast.” I said breathily, grabbing his hand and putting it on my chest. “And I’ll take…you.” The radio started playing the only song that got me hot and bothered, Flo Rida’s Whistle. “How about I blow your whistle baby?”

Finally he got the hint and ripped my uniform open, I gasped and unbuttoned his pants. He lifted me up onto the chicken bench, before he dipped his hand into the pot of lukewarm gravy and lifted it up to my mouth for me to lick off; there was so much of it that it dripped down throat and onto my breasts, soon our tongues were playing oral twister. Our hands, his hot and sticky from the gravy and mine moist from the chicken grease, were all over each other.

I licked the gravy off of his fingers and he tongued the gravy from my chest, murmuring ‘Say my name!’ I tried to form it, but my world was dissolving as we became one. “Say it!” The sensation was overwhelming and I gasped for air,

“Yes! COLONEL! COLONEL CHANG!” I screamed. I fell back against the chicken rack, spent and trying to catch my breath.

Chang bent down to pick up his cap, which I had knocked off in the throws of passion. “How was that for you babe?”

I took out my inhaler, administering it before wheezing, “God, that was finger lickin’ good.”

image

Yes. That was Jawkward for all of us.

Top 5 Jawkward Moments During the London Olympic Opening Ceremony

So if, like us, you live in the Southern Hemisphere and were up SUPER early to catch the London Olympics Opening Ceremony. Well done! As a special treat we here at JawkwardLOL present you with the opportunity to perv some more at the Fijian flag bearer’s oiled body. His name, for those who weren’t paying attention and/or didn’t immediately Google it, is Josateki Naulu. I’m guessing some of us will be following Judo a lot more enthusiastically this year. Like that drummer in the pic, also starstruck by Jo’s pecks.

However without further adieu we present for discussion:

The Top 5 Most Jawkward Moments/Observations from the London Opening Ceremony.

5. The girls wearing the signs with the names of the countries on them also had FACES ON THEIR DRESSES. Did anyone else feel like those girls’ dresses were staring into your soul? Judging you? Just me? I’m not surprised.

[Pictures Omitted due to Creepiness]

4. The look of absolute enthusiasm on the Queen’s face throughout. I mean, nothing seemed to make this woman smile. I don’t even think jumping out of that helicopter seemed to phase her. Except perhaps just before she jumped, when she managed to smile for a candid shot. Aw your Majesty, you’re looking especially fine in this photo.

3. This guy, crouching to get in the shot, look at his sneaky smile.

What’s awkward is that his smile suggests he did more than just crouch down.  And yes, even while being applauded the Queen’s expression borders on bored, if not displeased.

2. What’s more awkward than someone turning up uninvited and uncleared to a VIP event? The girl who gate-crashed the Indian athletes march! I can’t even. I mean, rude. But she did it with such glee, I mean look at her.

That’s a gleeful smile if I ever saw one. She is immensely pleased with herself. This is awkward for so many reasons, how did she get out there? She stands out like a sore thumb. Security’s got some ‘splainin’ to do. Look at the man behind the flag bearer…he looks piiiiisssssed. Also, she looks like she purposely wore colours that clashed with the Indian athletes’ black and yellow. If she was trying to hide in plain sight, she failed.

1. And the Numero Uno most Jawkward moment of the opening ceremony- when that German dignitary looked like he was giving the Nazi salute to the German athletes. He might have just been waving, but you gotta admit it looks a LOT like he’s about to yell out HEIL!

Pay special attention to Camilla in the back with her ‘Oh my gosh, *giggle* is he doing what I think he’s going?’ look on her surprised face and Boris beside her about to piss himself from laughing so hard.

In fact Camilla and Boris seem to both think this guy is absolutely hilarious.

Click for a clip.

And there we have it, hope the rest of the Olympics go without a hitch…gotcha! We’re hoping for as many JawkwardLOL moments we can get. Although I hope they don’t mess with North Korea anymore than they already have. Let’s not tickle the pickle and release the beast. You know, poke the yolk. Aggravate the Nuked up state. Just don’t fuck with North Korea, okay? I don’t want my next post to be sent from within a bunker, or worse- from beyond the grave.

Until next time, let us know of any JawkwardLOLlympic moments as they unfold. Comment! Tweet! Send us a message via Owl if you have to. Just talk to us, otherwise Jess might cry a little…in her pants. Like Boris.

(I also accept notes slipped under my door.)

Happy Hunger Games- I mean JawkwardLOLympics every one!

Guess what! J’s got goodies. And we talk celebrity infatuation.

For you. She’s got goodies for you. (The hordes of no one reading this post.)

I want to say she’s got POSTERS, SIGNED BY FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORD’S BRET AND JERMAINE! But that would be a lie, and apparently telling people lies is frowned upon, even if the ‘peoples’ in question are make believe. Make believe invisible people or not, it’d only be HALF a lie, wouldn’t it? Because Jess does have two Flight of the Conchords posters to give away, but they’re not signed.

Brett and Jermaine! *flail* Yeah nah.
You can go into a draw to win one poster by leaving us a comment or into a draw to win the other poster through our twitter account. Which so happens to be on the right…no, left side. Strong side. Left. Over there. Go clicky click the link over there and tweet us! Jawkward . . . . just realised  it is at the bottom.

Would you like them to be signed? I can find a signature online somewhere and do a print and paste jobbie for you. That is, print off the signature and paste it onto the poster. Yeah nah? That’s cool. I mean, it’s not like I used to do that with school textbooks and look like a total knob with Westlife ‘autographs’ all over my maths book. *cough* I WAS AN AWKWARD BROWN TEENAGER LEAVE ME ALONE!

But it’s cool to be infatuated with famous people, and I’m talking so infatuated with them that if asked to write a biography of one’s self, every other page would be dominated by thoughts of a famous person (or fictional character) one would want to be like or with or have in one’s house on display! (Not weird, not weird at all.) As a kid growing up I never had any posters on my wall, true fact, because if my mum walked in and saw a picture of some hot guy she’d ask ‘Who’s that?’ and before I finished responding with the name I would get a jandal to the face for being ‘cheeky and wanting a poifran.’ So secretly my school books were populated with hunky 90s icons, I’m talking- *senior moment, I actually can’t bring any to mind* all of them.

But what is it about these famous beautiful people that make us commoners drool? Is it the good looks? Because I’ve seen a few ‘ordinary’ people walking around whose pictures I wouldn’t mind having up on my wall. Is it the fame? The money? All of the above? You want in on their sexy world, you want to be seduced by it and not in a Fifty Shades of Grey kind of way, ew. The pull of wanting to be acknowledged by people you admire all day errday is so strong that you find yourself tweetin’ them (the lazy fan’s ‘letter writing’) and trying to get them to ‘tweet you back!’ It’s crazy, Bieber Fever is real, it is HERE and although I may not be afflicted, I can understand the mania. Girls are hyped. He’s here for a few days and the country is a hot mess for it.

But yes, famous people and fictional characters can get the people going. Get the masses stirring…get the kittens purring? More like hissing and distraught crying like a seal being clubbed by another seal. To the point where an observant, more worldly and slightly older, person can sit back and be entertained by an entertainer’s fan base. Bit awkward though innit? The idea that that kid saw more action in one week of his fourteen year old life (the year ‘Baby’ was released) than you did the entire span of your adolescent years. Famous people and their infatuants. Yeah, that’s a word that I just made up, AND WHAT?

*cough*

Now that we’ve arrived to our second edition of JawkwardLOL posts, Jessica has pointed out that I’m not very topical and in all honesty I really have no sense of direction, in writing and in life. When asked what I write I make a weird noise and then list off different forms of writing “Short stories- uh poems. Fiction…novels. Flash fiction…non-fiction, horror uhm-” and I start getting into genres. Before long the people I was talking to just drift away from me like I was a piece of fancily molded shrubbery. Rude.

It’s awkward trying to talk about yourself when you don’t even know what you’re doing,

“Yeah, I write.”

What? What do you write?

“Stuff.”

What…stuff?

“Words?”

Ah, fuck this.

“Wait! I write…stuff with words- yeah fuck it. I write porn.” (I don’t, by the way.)

Remember, you stay classy.

Which of course means- when you smile toothily at the opposite sex this week make sure there’s no liquid in your mouth.

Jawkward Introductions

Hi. Hello. Namaste. Talofa.

Saying hello to strangers is always awkward. No one can convince us otherwise. When you’re a stranger saying ‘hey’ to another stranger there will always be sudden silences, next to nil eye contact, and weird noises that escape your mouth. You don’t know how but you spend half your time trying to turn strange noises into sighs, hmms and/or ahhs. Physically, you extend your arm out for a handshake, miss the person’s hand by a mile and ‘turn it into a dance,’ which is in no way acceptable. Not that any of us have done it before. *shifty eyes*

However here we are, blog world, another blog of somewhat socially inept people attempting to connect with other socially inept people by way of nerding out over television shows, literary and fictional characters and film obsessions. It’s socially acceptable to talk about fictional characters as if they’re as real as you and I. Almost as acceptable as making a racist joke about your Indian friend. JawkwardLOL is our baby. There’s a little bit of Jessica K, Laumata L and bits and pieces of our friends. This baby will look like Frankenstein’s monster, only more awkward and less scary. Jawkward.

We have Jess. Our technical, technology, financial director, the boring-things expert.

She’s an Accountant.

Tech/financial/numbers expert

Me. Mata. The one doing the writing and other things, like procrastinating.

I’m a professional procrastinator.

Those creative types.

So that’s the team. We’re all but qualified to bring you a bunch of JawkwardLOL content.

Jess is a certified tech nerd.

And I’m a certified creative genius.

We’re also very opinionated when it comes to television. Sure our opinions will more or less be comprised of fangirling tendencies, read as: rage, but every now and then our awkward ramblings will yield mature (ha!) thought out (double ha!) discussions. Would you drop us a beat, a comment, a word if you managed to read through this? I promise not to send you an envelope with a request for some of your hair if you do. Because that would be weird. And I wouldn’t want, you to… feel obliged to send a lock of your hair if you didn’t want to. *whistling* If you could put Awkward in a bottle and sell it, we could tell you that in that bottle would be extracts of our DNA, strands of our hair and some of our tears. I’m joking, but not really… awkwardlol. Would you believe me if I said I laughed out loud? Because I could have. I usually laugh out loud at things I read, like when I read that the jury found Ewen Macdonald ‘not guilty’ of Scott Guy’s murder, or when I watched a video of a cat pooping on a bird. The lady next to me on the train didn’t find my laughter contagious, but that’s neither here nor there. Or perhaps she was annoyed by the fact that I played the video of the cat pooping on the bird out loud. Jeez, it’s not like the cat was pooping on her.

Jawk ya later.

The LOL is silent.

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