The first time I met Jess’s mum was on Jess’s Graduation Day. Actually no, scratch that, the first time I met and spoke to Jess’s mum was via Skype. Jess and I were having an intelligent conversation about university life (we were discussing how hot Matt Bomer was most probably) and Jess’s mum walked in and stuck her face in front of Jess’s screen. Jess was not too impressed, I on the other hand waved excitedly and I said ‘Hi Jess’s mum!’
Fastforward to Jess’s Graduation Day where her mother and I bonded. Yeah, I bond with people’s mums all the time- wait. Stop it. Rude.
It was on this day of Jessica’s Graduation that I learned Jess’s mum had a dream for her dearest, eldest, and only daughter. It was her dream to see Jess in a sari. For anyone not familiar with Indian garb, below is a woman in a sari. Isn’t that lovely?
This, of course, is not her only dream for Jessica. Not unlike Miranda’s mum, Jess’s mum wants to see her daughter happily married before (and I quote verbatim) ‘She is over 25 and no one is interested anymore.’
Now, I am obliged to make, and make you make, the distinction between encouragement to marry and being forced into a marriage. Jess’s parents are ready for her to be married off and to begin popping out grand-babies, however there will be no such thing as an ‘arranged marriage’ for the ever eligible Jess. We must differentiate between ‘arranged marriage’ and ‘possible meddlesome matchmaking.’
And that difference is choice, no one in their right mind would try to force Jess to marry anyone she didn’t want to anyhow. With all the height of a hobbit and the rage of a Honeybadger who don’t give a shit, Jessica is a force to be reckoned with. I mean, she’s Hufflepuff man, don’t underestimate the black and yellow, black and yellow.
Now, Jessica’s family has been tasked with the very important responsibility of finding eligible bachelors for Jessica who match the following criteria:
- He must be a graduate and a professional. For example a pharmacist.
- He must be Indian. Well, Fijian Indian to be exact, he doesn’t have to be born there but his lineage must originate from the motherland.
- He mustn’t be white. (Sorry Matt Bomer, not that it matters as Matt bats for the same team, if you catch my drift. Do you though? I’m not sure I do. I’m not sure I understand that baseball reference so I’m not sure I’m using it in the right way. You get me though right? He only likes bowlers who have balls.)
That’s basically it. That’s the criteria he must fit in order to be considered by Jess’s family to be good enough to have facebook conversations with so that Jess may determine whether or not she likes him. The problem is that no normal person uses facebook chat. Guys. We need a professional who can handle the spitfire that is @_JessK1 and that Jess actually likes.
Jess may even be willing to don a sari, right Jess? (Go to hell, Mata.) I’ll take that as a strong maybe!